Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 10 September 2009

image for It's Official - Ellen DeGeneres Is The New American Idol Judge
Ellen DeGeneres, says she is proud to be the first blonde American Idol judge.

HOLLYWOOD - Paula who? The producers of the number one show on American television have just signed day time talk show host Ellen DeGeneres to take Paula "I Want $20 Mil" Abdul's place.

American Idol Producer Simon Shindlebocker, 53, said that the entire AI family is thrilled beyond belief to welcome Ellen "The Dancing Girl" DeGeneres on board.

Shindlebocker said that after all of the 'drama queen' antics that the American Idol executives went through with Ms. Abdul latching on to Ms. DeGeneres is like winning the national lottery.

American Idol Director Simon Witleywine, 59, said that he is excited to welcome the first blonde judge in the shows eight year history. He smiled and added that Randy likes to say that he is really a blonde, but everyone knows better.

When the 51-year-old Ellen was told that she had been chosen she was so thrilled she did three back flips, a 45 second head spin, and a belly flop from the top of her refrigerator to her kitchen floor.

She was asked how much she is getting paid and she replied that she is so thrilled, excited, and honored that she is seriously considering paying the AI producers.

Simon Cowell, 49, reportedly said that he can hardly wait to play footsie underneath the judge's table with the very popular funny blonde lady.

Randy "The Dawg" Jackson, who at 53, is the oldest of the AI bunch just started barking and said that Ellen is probably the most qualified person they could have picked.

The big dawg pointed out that El, as he calls her, knows the lyrics to every song that has ever been recorded going back to the 1888 John Philip Sousa song "Semper Fidelis" the official United States Marine Corps march.

Kara DioGuardi said that she is just as thrilled as Ell, as she calls her, if not more so. Kara finally confided that Paula was starting to get on her nerves especially when she would stand up and yell "Touchdown!"

The 38-year-old DioGuardi said that it got so bad that Paula got to where she would yell "Touchdown" in some of the oddest places, like in a crowed movie theater, a Los Angeles Lakers game, and three times in a church.

Kara said that finally the third time Father Frank yelled out at her to zip it or get her a*s the hell out of his church.

DioGuardi said that Paula turned into a diva, a short little stocky diva. Kara said that Paula insisted on having a bigger dressing room than hers, with more and bigger dressing mirror bulbs, more expensive imported lipsticks, and even prettier French bars of soap.

Kara laughed and said that the last year, Simon, Randy, and Ryan all would call her the little munchkin behind her back. They, of course, did it with affection, but the entire AI crew knew that Ryan got tired of having to lend Paula his eyebrow pencil.

When Paula was reached at her Hollywood Hills home and asked for a comment on Ellen being hired to take her place she said, "Ellen DeGeneres? The day time talk show host? Well that's it American Idol will be canceled after the first week."

When Ellen was told about Paula's remarks she reportedly replied, "Paula Abdul, wasn't she that real short little crybaby Los Angeles Laker Girl?"

Ellen's wife Portia de Rossi, 36, is very happy for her marriage partner. She said that they never miss the show and Elle, as she calls her would sing along with all of the contestants.

Portia said that Ellen loves music so much that she would even sing along with all of the commercials.

She laughed and said that Ellen is so into music that at times she would even sing along with the judge's remarks and comments, especially Randy's since 85 percent of what the dawg says is "Ah that was kinda pitchy in the beginning, middle, and ending," "Ah dawg for me I guess it was just alright," and "I've worked with Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Journey, Madonna, the Beatles, and did I say Whitney Houston?"

Simon Cowell said when he first spoke to Ellen, as he calls her, she could not talk. Finally when she did speak all he could make out was "Eeeeeee" and "Ayyyyyy."

Cowell said that it scared the hell out of him because for a moment he thought that he had dialed Tatiana Del Toro's number by mistake.

SIDENOTE: Ryan Seacrest said that he heard a rumor that Paula Abdul is refusing to eat or drink until the American Idol producers fire Ellen and rehire her. When Seacrest was asked if he is going to call up his old American Idol friend, he replied "Hell, yes I want first crack at her Lamborghini!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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