OSHKOSH, B'Gosh - This morning on Wake the Hell Up America, Johnson Octopops let loose about his bitter break-up with the woman with the world's largest vagina, who he said, "would only beat me off... and smelled like fish."
The television "personality" told interviewer Jimmy Gnockers, "I have a message for her: Where's the feeding frenzy, you cold fish?"
Octopops was referring, of course, to her exxtra large vagina which, she recently revealed in a televised interview, he "no longer has axxxess to."
Tucking in the left half of his shirt, he indicated that, though it was still quite early and he "didn't get a lot of sleep last night," he is ready to move on.
"Our kids are still priority number one," he said as Gnockers recoiled at the strong odor of fermented spirits. "I love 'em... (hic) and I gotta make sure they stay happy, healthy and safe.
"But I am my number two priority," he added. "And right about now, I wanna see some titties!!"
Gnockers seemed taken aback by Octopops' straightforward response, but when he used the word "titties," Gnockers gently told him be careful, that the "tit-for-tat" censors might get the wrong idea, this being live television and all.
Octopops just piled on more.
"Our relationship ain't never gonna get fixed," he said. "So, I'm going to the breast lounge in a couple of weeks. I've got a huge stack of singles I've been saving... for..."
Gnockers looked skeptical, but Octopops' eyes suddenly looked out of focus as he trailed off. He hiccuped and stared blankly at his half-empty bottle.
"National Breast Appreciation Day!" prompted the voice of Jalapenoman from off camera. "Talk about 'the cause!'"
Octopops shook his head violently for a couple of seconds, then momentarily swayed as he readjusted his focus.
Witnesses said a cameraman offered him a glass of water, but he held very still, reaching out steadily with his hand to wave a "no, thanks" as his head pounded furiously.
"On September 28th, it's National (hic) Appreciation Day," he said flatly.
"No, Breast Appreciation Day!" interjected the voice of J-Man again. "National Breast Appreciation Day!"
Octopops just sat there; onlookers said the capsi-comic rose to his feet as a man behind a glass wall was seen urgently gesturing for someone to please, cut to commercial.
Quickly, J-Man grabbed the glass of water from the cameraman and threw it in Octopops' face.
"On September 28th... it's National Breast Appreciation Day!!" he suddenly exclaimed, as if surprised. "We're gonna get to see some titties!!"
Gnockers said the interview lasted three minutes, but it seemed more like three hours. It's been edited down to just enough to fit into a two-second, 2:58 a.m. slot on the SeeBS network, right between a lubricating skin wash infomercial and an advertisement for girls can't get any wilder, doubleplusuncensored.
Even Big Brother is going to be watching the last one, said sources.