In a stunning development, President Barack Obama selfishly and willfully addressed school children in the US today, urging them to stay in school, do well and make good choices. In response, millions of parents committed suicide.
"I cannot live in a world where my children can be sullied at will by the concern and interest of a President," one woman declared before hurling herself off a cliff and into a raging torrent of tidal waves. Another screamed in frustration before jumping from a 50 story building. "The family unit is sacred. Us parents got to raise children, not some pinko President who wants to get into the act. I don't want my kids doin' more than I did anyway...makin'em look down on their mama...thinkin' for theirself? I think not."
The few talking heads left alive agree that the actions of the President were reprehensible. "Any right thinking, God fearing American," they opined, "Would do exactly as these brave parents have done. Enough is enough. The creep of insidious left-wing liberal commie sympathizers into all areas of our lives must be stopped by any means necessary."
Sarah Palin was reported to be on a hunting trip and could not be reached for comment. From wherever he currently finds himself, Joseph McCarthy smiled.