DALLAS - One of the country's leading ladies lingerie franchises has just announced a major expansion.
Appling Willacoochie, the CEO of the Dallas-based Rackalicious Firm, a subsidiary of the Tata's Group which owns 3,600 Tits 'R' Us nationwide has stated that they will be opening up 38 new stores by Valentine's Day of next year.
Willacoochie said that they will be officially announcing their new expansion on several soap opera shows in observance of National Breast Appreciation Day on September 28.
He added that coinciding with their announcement they will also have a full page ad which will be appearing in the October issue of Sweater Treats Illustrated, the modern magazine for today's modern woman who is not only on the go, but on the ravishingly radiant road to achieving total and complete satisfaction in regards to the big "O."
Sweater Treats Illustrated will hit the newsstands and bookstores at 4 a.m. on September 28.
Willacoochie pointed out that Rackalicous Chief Executive Lingerie Designer Bibby Crockerwell has told him that he has just finished designing his latest lingerie creation which will be featured in the upcoming Tits 'R' Us fall catalog.
Crockerwell, younger brother of Henry Crockerwell the inventor of the woman's crotchless raincoat, said that he is proud of his latest production, which is The Stimulus Package Bra.
The fabulous SPB comes in six different sizes, forty-seven different colors, and three different textures (batteries not included).
Crockerwell said that they tested out these Stimulus Package Bras on a total of 100 Las Vegas showgirls and that 92 reported a definitely obvious increase in the size of one or, in most cases, both nipples.
One showgirl, who works at The Palpitating Pyramid Casino, Claudia Bickaboo, 20, said that she is married to a sex therapist and that she has never before experienced such sensuously erotic and exotically stimulating feelings before.
She said that she has placed an order for one dozen of the Stimulus Package Bras. She added that her husband wants to place an order for three dozen so that he can give them out to some of his sexier clients.
Another showgirl Mitzi Van Chanski, 24, who works at the Lascivious Libido Lounge, and has been married for three years, said that when she pulled into her garage after her night shift, she figured that she would surprise her husband and so she decided to put the bra on before she went into her house.
She said that she quietly walked in her home, she took off her blouse, skirt, and underwear and had wild passionate erotic sex on the living room floor.
She said that it was the most amazingly fantastic sex that she had ever had and the cable repair guy said that it was also the most amazingly fantastic sex that he had ever had as well.
In conjunction with National Breast Awareness Day . Several cities have stated that they will be holding National Breast Awareness events such as the Pride of the Bayous, New Orleans which will be holding The New Orleans Queen of The Cajun Chi-Chi's Bourbon Street Yum-Yums Parade.
The National Breast Awareness Day Committee has in fact confirmed that Dolly Parton has been named this year's Queen of The Cajun Chi-Chi's Bourbon Street Yum-Yums Parade and will be riding one of the floats along with her two still beautiful as all-get-out 'Floaties.'
Meanwhile back on the 'Left Coast' Beverly Hills will be holding, (no pun intended - wink wink) "The Best-Looking Fake Boobs In Town Contest & Boob-Bob Festival."
And over in Wikieup, Arizona, the town will be celebrating its yearly Wikieup Wig-Wam-ing Whooping It Up Wonder Whopping War Party Jug-of-War Tournament.
Last year's winner, the lovely Lilting Loon Yahtzee, 21, who's father is a Mescalero Apache and who's mother is a Chiricahua Apache was disqualified when it was learned that she had illegally stuffed half a box of Kleenex in both of her bra cups.
Miss Yahtzee said that the only reason she did it was because she had a very bad allergy and her pants were so tight that she could not put anything inside the pockets.
In related news. Most Bourbon Street establishments in New Orleans have stated that on September 28, in celebration of National Breast Awareness Day, they will be offering "A Pair of Drinks For The Price of One" all day.