Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: swine flu, Airlines

Wednesday, 9 September 2009

image for Trans Via Venezuela Airlines Worried Like Hell About Swine Flu
A TVVA stewardess shown packing one of the swine flu parachutes.

CARACAS - The CEO of Trans Via Venezuela Airlines, one of the largest airlines in South America, Don Diego Corona-Cienfuegos has stated in an email to his sister, Chalupita Corona-Cienfuegos Schwartz that his director of ticket stamping has informed him that the swine flu epidemic could cause them to lose 50 percent of their customers to trains, boats, and in China, rickshaws.

Bonifacio Fumamucho, ticket stamping director with TVVA, said that he recently read in three different magazines, National Geographic, Vanity Fair, and Chingaderas de Caracas Illustrated that the swine flu germ known as 'Puffy' is so small that 8,000 of these little fellas could easily fit into the belly button of a flea with enough room left over to house 700 or 800 amoebas.

Fumamucho says that he does not want to cause needless panic, but he does want the people of the world to know that there are billions and billions of little bitty shit ass 'Puffys' out there.

They live on the lead points of pencils, on the flea butts of cats, and even on the pasties of strippers, yes as amazingly unbelievable as it may sound, the pasties of strippers.

Lake Tahoe stripper Cissy "Bouncy" Rappalino when told about this raised her eyebrows and said "No way!" When she was told "Way!" She then replied "No shit?" and she was then told "Shit!"

"Bouncy" asked if the little "Puffy" germs bite. When told that they did, but that in order for a bit person to actually feel the bite, about 4,000 of the "Puffys" would have to bite at the exact same time and on the exact same spot which is not likely, or to put it in Vegas terms the odds would be about 353,000 to 1.

TVVA CEO Corona-Cienfuegos said that his airline has always been one of the leading innovators of the South American airlines.

He proudly says that TVVA was the first airline south of Panama to actually store the passengers luggage inside the plane instead of the old-fashioned way of tying them on the roof luggage racks on the outside of the plane.

TVVA was also the first airline in the southern hemisphere to train their pilots for six months instead of the customary six days.

And with Corona-Cienfuegos TVVA implemented the practice of using brand new tires on all of its jets instead of purchasing retreads at a much cheaper price.

TVVA also entered into the 21st century when the plane logos and numbering went from being merely put on the planes by ticket clerks using Sharpies to actually having them painted on professionally by qualified painters.

Corona-Cienfuegos said that his airline is the first airline in the entire world to adopt the "Passenger Parachute Program." He explained that the "PPP" is a program in which after a passenger has boarded a TVVA plane and it is determined through a series of three fairly easy tests that the passenger has swine flu then the passenger will immediately be fitted with a parachute and he will be forced to exit the plane.

TVVA policy clearly states that the passenger's air fare will not be refunded and he will be billed for his parachute at a cost of $139 for adults, $87 for children, and $34 for babies.

Corona-Cienfuegos said that he wants passengers who travel on TVVA to know that the airline has their best interest at hand.

When asked about the passengers luggage, he replied that carry on luggage will be tossed out of the plane with the passenger and luggage in the luggage compartment will be burned immediately once the plane lands.

And in regards to any luggage reimbursement, TVVA will pay a reimbursement fee not to exceed $2 per piece of luggage with a maximum pay out of $8.

In other news. Jon Gosselin of Jon and Kate Plus 8 has just been hired to be the official spokesman for The Colossal Condom Company.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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