HOLLYWOOD - Grandma Lee one of the America's Got Talent finalists was suddenly rushed to L.A.'s Zsa Zsa Gabor Accentuated Hospital complaining of a bellyache.
The 75-year old Jacksonville, Florida grandmother was eating a bowl of diet pablum when she suddenly started coughing.
At first it was just a normal cough that one would expect from a typical 75-year-old woman. But then it grew stronger, like a cough that would come out of the mouth of a 350 pound NFL defensive tackle.
Grandma Lee's eyes suddenly got the size of regulation ping pong balls. AGT judge Sharon Osbourne, who was nearby painting her toenails saw Grandma Lee and ran over to her.
"What is it Mrs?" She asked in her Londonesque accent.
Grandma Lee did not answer.
Osbourne asked her again and this time she bent down and started shaking the old gal to get some kind of verbal response.
Grandma Lee could not make words. She could only make sounds that sounded like "Aarrgghh" "Wafffauff," and "Gyllenhaal."
She was finally able to string a few words together and Sharon bent down a little bit closer and she put her ear right close next to her mouth.
"What is it Mrs?" She asked. And this time she clearly heard Grandma Lee say, "Get the frackin' hell off my left foot you blimey pissant-looking pumpkinheimer twat!"
Sharon quickly moved and told her that she was sorry Mrs.
Suddenly David Hasselhoff and Piers Morgan happened by and they helped Sharon carry Grandma Lee to a waiting ambulance that the shows host and Mariah Carey's husband Nick Cannon had called.
As she was being rushed to the emergency room, Grandma Lee looked up at the ambulance attendant and asked him if he had heard about the midget card player.
The attendant replied that he hadn't. "No big deal," the Gramster replied.
The ambulance arrived at the hospital and Grandma Lee was rushed in. She was asked to take a number. She cleared her throat and said that she was here to get checked out and not to buy an ice cream cone.
The receptionist told her to sit down and be quite because she was starting to bother the other patients. Grandma Lee hobbled over to where she was sitting and told her to kiss her 75-year-old twidget.
The receptionist made a confused face and asked her what the hell a twidget was. The Gramanator pointed towards the receptionist's lap and answered that it was that thingumabob that sits between her thighs and that she probably hasn't had any fun with in 30 years or so.
Just then one of the ER doctors walked in and took her into an examining room (Grandma Lee not the receptionist). He told her to get undressed. Grandma Lee smiled and said okay but then added that a man usually buys her dinner and a few drinks first.
He told her to dispense with the vulgarisms. She pointed to her crotch area and said "I got your vulgarism right here." The doctor shook his head and told her that, that was exactly what he was talking about.
He called for a security guard. She told him that he didn't have to call a security guard because she trusted him not to molest her. He grinned and said that he was calling a security guard because he was afraid that she would molest him.
The security guard soon arrived and the doctor put on rubber gloves, rubber shoes, and a rubber rubber. Grandma Lee started laughing and she asked him what the hell keeps that sucker on.
The doctor got extremely offended and the security guard unholstered his gun. Grandma Lee reached in her purse and said that he better put that gun down or she would hit him with a shot from her can of pepper spray.
The doctor and security guard looked at each other and both started laughing.
"What's so funny?" Grandma Lee asked.
And the doctor replied that he had never seen a patient threaten to shoot a security guard with a can of FDS (Feminine Deodorant Spray) before. Grandma Lee looked at the can closer and she put it back in her purse and started laughing uncontrollably.
She suddenly started peeing and then all of a sudden she passed about 2 cc's of interdigestuary gas. The security guard and the doctor quickly ran out into the hall.
About 15 minutes later they both returned with surgical masks, masking tape, and a drug sniffing dog.
The doctor asked her how she was feeling. She replied that she felt 100 percent better. He informed her that she had just had a slight case of gasalitusfartatosis.
She asked him how much her medical bill was. He smiled and told her to get her ass dressed and leave and that her medical bill was on the house.
Grandma Lee called Piers Morgan who picked her up and took her back to the America's Got Talent studio where she went on with her rehearsing.
In a news update: Johnny Appleseed's long lost dairy has been found in a barn just outside of Walla Walla, Washington. And it reveals the startling fact that Johnny actually hated apples and had a secret fetish for peaches.