Written by Jalapenoman
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Sunday, 6 September 2009

image for Funeral Parlor Discovers Nursing Home is Tattooing Residents
Does Grandma really need a tramp stamp?

The Shaw-Blackham-Robb-Watson Funeral Parlors have informed Rogers, Arkansas Police that they have discovered old people who die in the local Sunny Days Retirement Center and Nursing Home have been tattooed. Chuck Robb, one of the owners of the funeral home, said that the tattoes are obviously ones that the old people would not have received voluntarily.

"It's not like Nazi numbers on the Jews or anything like that," said Robb. "What we've actually got are more like warnings you'd find on food products or construction equipment."

"For example, a 97 year old woman had a warning on her crotch: not save to eat after 1982. An 86 year old man had the words wind tunnel tatooed on his bottom. Another 91 year old lady had the words wide load on her behind. Another cruel tattoo was on a 94 year old woman and it was on her breasts; it said please secure or these may get tangled in wheelchair spokes."

Police officials suspect that nursing home employee Danny Martinez, whose brothers own the Northwest Body Art tattoo parlor, may be behind the incidents.

In a raid on the Sunny Days complex, police also discovered the following tattooes:

  • "Not used in 50 years" on the penis of a 109 year old man.
  • "I left my heart in San Francisco" on the chest of an 86 year old transplant recipient
  • "Shit happens....regularly" on the bottom of a 79 year old woman.
  • "The Razorbacks Played Here" on the crotch of a 91 year old former university cheerleader.

Robb also added that "a tattoo on young, healthy, firm skin is one thing. Remember, however, that a tattoo of a young woman placed on old, saggy, wrinkly flesh looks like a saggy old lady with tits dragging the ground."

When asked why the allowed themselves to be tattooed, one resident said that "we were told that it was cool and that all the kids had body art. We thought it would make us look younger."

Other residents who were asked for their reasoning behind the tattooes just sat their and drooled.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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