WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) - President Barack Obama called together a meeting of the top Democratic Party Leaders from the House and Senate and unveiled his new strategy for passing Universal Health Care in this session of congress. Known as "If it don't fit, force it," members of the majority party have rallied around the President and plan to force the issue when they return to Washington after the Labor Day weekend recess.
"There's some really funny stuff in this new bill," said former Saturday Night live comedy writer turned Minnesota Senator, Al Franken. "There's like a 100-day waiting period for treatment of end of life care issues-and that's funny because most people who need the services will die before they receive them. Funny shit and it will save be coup bucks too"
Republicans were stunned that the Democratic majority would unilaterally force through a health care reform bill considering the amount of rancor so many voters have made plain in town hall meetings and by polls in the last four weeks.
"The President's popularity is taking a huge hit due to the fact that nobody can tell anybody what the hell is in the bill to begin with," said last year's Republican Presidential Candidate, John McCain.
Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker of the House of Representatives told reporters "The American public is too stupid to understand the very complicated, internal workings of this boll. That's why we refuse to read it to them. It would just cause further confusion."
Nevada Senator Harry Reid (D), the Senate Majority Leader told TheSpoof.com "It is not important for all of us (senators and congressmen and women) to read every single line in the bill. We have a general idea of what it's all about, including the proviso that would make being a member of the Republican Party a capital offense, punishable by death by auto-erotic asphyxiation."
The majority plans to call for floor votes on Wednesday.
"We want every preschooler in America to have the option of reading the 2800 page document between Tuesday morning and Tuesday noon. We must be fair" said Reid.