WASHINGTON DC (AP) Doctors at Walter Reed Army Medical Center have reported signficant progress in their efforts to help President George W. Bush appear more like a human and less like a monkey. President Bush has secretly been undergoing speech therapy for the past three years at the Army hospital. Various political commentators have noticed new attempts by President Bush to use words with more than two syllables, but had not tied that in with his daily trips to Walter Reed.
However, the doctors were really startled yesterday morning when the President suddenly began walking upright! "We had all but given up on getting him to walk in a normal human manner. Last week he had a severe bout of stomach flu, and when he started coming out of that, he just straightened up and started walking like a normal person! There seems to be no hint of his former strutting like a peacock."
At the White House this morning, President Bush has been walking upright all over the South Lawn. He walked for several hours without once swinging from any of the trees. A huge crowd of tourists pressed against the fence to get a better look at the President. One young woman, a professor's assistant from New Jersey, said, "George W. Bush sure has come a long way.
The crowd let out a big cheer when the President came near the fence to grab a banana held by one of the tourists. He was able to eat most of it before a Secret Service officer took the banana from the President. Bush reacted badly when his banana was taken away and spent the next 30 minutes screaming at the top of his lungs. Agents finally calmed him down when they promised they would take him to see some of his friends at the National Zoo.
Later that afternoon, a Presidential motorcade made its way up to Adams Morgan and, after shaking hands with several visitors at the zoo, President Bush went to spend some time in the ape house. Sadly, the orangutans seemed to shun the President. As he approached them walking upright, they confused him with all the other human visitors.