BLANK CHECK CITY, Texas - After twenty years of roaming the vast countryside of Central Texas the dreaded legendary creature the Chupacabra, which means "Goat Sucker" has finally been captured.
Emmett Bob Figginfacker, a crop dusting pilot and owner of Emmett Bob Figginfacker's Crop Dusting Service in San Antonio said that he single-handedly caught the horrendous looking beast on his grandfather Amos Bob Figginfacker's ranch, El Rancho Se Habla Grande Ranch.
Emmett Bob's father Buddy Bob Figginfacker said that his father's ranch foreman Manolito Trigo called him up and told him that over night something had eaten three of the goats, a heifer, a gelding, and seven ducks.
Right away Buddy Bob asked Manolito if he had been hitting the cerveza (beer). Manolito answered that he had only had two six packs but that he still had all of his senses, his faculties, and both his botas (boots).
Manolito then told him that he better come over quick because his esposa (wife) was so scared that she was having to pee every four minutes.
He said that Margarita (Margaret) was three months pregnant and he and her were afraid that because she was so scared that she might have el baby (the baby) premeditatedly [EDITOR'S NOTE: Mr. and Mrs. Trigo both meant to say prematurely.]
Amos Bob called Sheriff Bubba Coolcoosa. There was no answer at his office so he decided to call one of the local Dunkin' Donuts and sure enough he got a hold of him.
He told him to hurry up and get on out to his ranch because his grandson Emmett Bo had the chupacabra cornered out by the two-story outhouse.
Sherrif Coolcoosa and Deputy Stuffy Bumbry finished their coconut and glazed donuts respectively and they headed out to The El Rancho Se Habla Grande Ranch.
While on their way Sheriff Coolcoosa called Amos Bob and asked him to describe this creature that he had cornered. He told him that it was the ugliest, weirdest, nastiest, most hideous thing that he had ever seen.
Sheriff Coolcoosa asked if he could be a little more specific. Amos Bob said that as best as he could describe it, the horrible creature looks like a cross between Andy Dick and Amy Wineouse, but only not blonde and it doesn't have 37 tattoos, 19 body piercings, and 7 scars.
Coolcoosa said, "Damn that sucker is as ugly as rooster sh*t (shit)."
By now the chupacabra had managed to lodge himself against the two-story outhouse's lower deck door. Amos Bob, Buddy Bob, Emmett Bob, and Manolito Trigo could all hear a faint voice coming from the bottom privy. Suddenly Emmett Bob's cell phone rang and it was his little brother Bucky Bob.
Emmett Bob asked him where the heck he was. Bucky Bob said that he was in the ground level outhouse. Emmett Bob shouted out what the hell he was doing in there and he quickly caught himself and said never mind little brother.
Bucky Bob asked him why he couldn't open the door. The three Bobs and Manolito did not want to panic Bucky Bob, who has high blood pressure so Emmett Bob just told him that a steer had fallen asleep against the door.
Bucky Bob yelled out for him to wake up the sumbitch steer because he was starting to have a little bit of trouble breathing in there for the obvious reason.
Emmett Bob called the sheriff and asked him where the hell he was. Sheriff Coolcoosa told him that he and Deputy Bumbry were in line at a McDonald's drive thru.
Emmett Bob asked him what the hell they were doing and Coolcoosa said that they had just stopped by to get two of them $1 for any size drink promotions.
By now Bucky Bob was having trouble talking as well as breathing. The Figginfackers and Trigo could hear that Bucky Bob was saying something to the effect of "Hey guys get me the F out of here, the damn fumes are starting to curl my frackin' eyebrows.
Emmett Bob knew that the situation was getting very serious. He realized that he could not shoot the chupacabra for fear of possibly shooting his little brother who was in the lower level outhouse.
He told Manolito to run over to the barn which was 50 yards away and bring back some Roundup weed killer.
Emmett Bob was wearing work gloves and he grabbed a handful of Roundup.
He then snuck up beside the chupacabra and he took the handful of Roundup and he tossed it in its face. The chupacabra let out a weird yell, reminiscent of Tatiana Del Toro and it toppled over.
Emmett immediately opened the bottom outhouse and Bucky Bob stumbled out holding his nose and screaming "Dammit what the hell does mom put in her cornbread anyway."
As he exited the lower outhouse he almost tripped over the chupacabra. "Holy moley," he yelled out. "What the heck, Emmett Bob is that the chupacabra?"
Emmett Bob replied that it was and that he had captured it and he was going to tie it up with a tractor chain.
Just then Sheriff Coolcoosa and Deputy Bumbry arrived with their guns drawn. Bucky Bob told them to put their pistols away because his big brother had everything under control.
Sheriff Coolcoosa got pretty close to the creature and replied that it was without a doubt the ugliest damn thing that he had ever seen and that included his first ex-mother-in-law Flotilla May Shockowitz.
Coolcoosa said that Flotilla May was a rough country gal who had hair growing out of pretty near most all of her orifices including her ears, her nose, and her San Andrea Fault for want of a better word.
The Figginfackers and Trigo put the chupacabra in chains and locked it up in the barn.
SIDENOTE: Emmett Bob Figginfacker says that he has already received calls from Oprah Winfrey, Ellen DeGeneres, Regis Philbin, Rachael Ray, Sean Hannity, and Joel Osteen about having him and the chupacabra appear on their shows.