Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Wednesday, 2 September 2009

image for Ted Kennedy's Funeral Sets World Record -- Formed Longest Conga Line, Ever!
"And we'll dance..."

Boston, Massachusetts - It's official. Ted Kennedy's funeral made it into the "Guinness Book of World Records" as not only the biggest Irish Wake ever held in history, but with people cuing up in line to view the body of the friend of the friendless, suddenly dancing, it was the longest Conga line ever formed, too.

"All I know is somebody grabbed my hips from behind so I reached out and grabbed the hips of the person in front of me," said Stewart Anderson, waiting in line to pay his respect to Ted Kennedy, laying in repose. "It never dawned on me that I was helping to form the world longest Conga line."

Swaying their hips to the samba beat of Sting's "They Dance Alone (Cueca SOLO)", the somber lyrics weighing heavily on their lips, the Conga line snaked its way down the throughways, byways and back alleys of the mean streets of Boston, occasionally popping in and out of bars along the way for a toast to a friend they never knew, but swore they'd never forget.

"So we stopped off at a few bars, so what?!" said Mr. Miguel Sanchez. "So we picked up a few wash-ups, washouts and dropouts along the way. So what?! And registered them all as Democrats ACORN style. Just like in the old Tammany Hall days, but never like the Presidential Election of 2000 style, making Ted Kennedy so proud. So what?!"

Observers noted that the burial service resembled more of a party than a funeral.

"I never saw such a spectacle," said Matilda Rathbun, watching from her downtown corner office-building window. "It must be a Catholic thing. Who else would embrace death with a celebration of life? Except maybe those God damn Mexicans, but they don't count, either."

Mrs. Maria O'Brian-Sanchez is credited for starting the Conga line, while she waited her turn to view the body.

"It was nothing," said a modest Mrs. O'Brian-Sanchez. "I just felt like dancing. Don't get me wrong or nothing. I wasn't being disrespectful or anything. You see my father, he's Irish and mother is Puerto Rican and when there was a funeral to attend in our family, he would throw an Irish Wake. By the time anyone knew it, everybody was drinking and dancing, all having a real good time, you know."

"Satellite photography confirmed," said a spokesman for Guinness Book of World Records. "There was enough movement in the predominately White crowd to constitute it as dancing."

"Before you know it," continued Mrs. O'Brian-Sanchez. "You're laughing through your tears. Knowing that everything is going to be alright."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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