Written by K.C. Bell
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Tuesday, 1 September 2009

image for Jack The Ripper Released From Prison - Compassionate Grounds
Zipped too fast to be seen.

While serving a life sentence for mass murder, it was discovered that Jack, or John, The Ripper, was diagnosed by a panel of physicians to be suffering from a recurrence of a hangnail on the large toe of his left foot. The panel of physicians disputed whether this was simply a case of an ingrown toe nail or just an unclipped hangnail, and the opinion of an independent doctor was sought.

Having a monthly mortgage of 20,000 pounds for his palatial home in London, (two homes joined together at back doors) the independent doctor quickly concluded that it was indeed more than an unclipped hangnail, but most definitely an ingrown toe nail and that T.R. (The Ripper) should be released from prison immediately on compassionate grounds.

Foreign Secretary, Gus Hay, suggested that maybe a pedicure by a nail technician could easily solve the situation, then corrected himself, offering that a foot soak might be a better proposition, then deferred to the Prime Minister, Floyd Violet. Playing ostrich, Violet said nothing.

All eyes turned to Scotland's Justice Magistrate, Paddy MacPaddy. Following the opinion of the independent physician, Paddy released T.R. on compassionate grounds, insisting that no deals were made, adding that Scotland had a long history of compassion, passion, fashion and one can find great cashmere bargains in Gallashiels.

Violet still said nothing.

Because some of Jack's, or John's, victims could have immigrated to American and become citizens, the United States stepped into the controversy. Gus Hay immediately recanted, not too certain what he was recanting, but recanted nevertheless; Paddy MacPaddy continued to insist it was all a matter of compassion and Scotland had a long history of practicing compassion; Violet was nowhere to be found; and T.R. was spotted water skiing in the Mediterranean on one foot with the big toe of his left foot pointed straight up.

Shortly after T.R's., release: Paddy MacPaddy left government and opened a hospice; Gus Hay was still recanting; the independent physician with the 20,000 mortgage was searching for his next mortgage payment; Violet finally issued a statement pronouncing his disapproval.

Seems John T.R. had the good fortune of having family property sitting on top of the largest oil reserves in the world.

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