Boston, Massachusetts - A splinter cell from the former Irish Republican Army (IRA) identifying themselves simply as the "Sons and Daughters of Saint Patrick's Battalion" planned to kidnap the body of famous Irish-American, Ted Kennedy, sometime last week, while he lay in repose. Fortunately, Boston police got wind of the terrorist plot by way on an unnamed informant and arrested the suspects, all Mexican nationals; just hours before they could carryout their dastardly plan.
"According to our informant, the former IRA terrorist splinter cell from Mexico planned to abduct the body of Ted Kennedy, take him to Ireland and bury him there," said Sgt. Bryon O'Hare of the Boston police department. "Back where all the sons of Ireland truly belong. God bless Ted Kennedy and his eternal soul."
The terrorist plans revealed they intended to take Ted Kennedy's body back to the village of his Celtic ancestors, to the very same spot where his great-great-grandfathers spent the best years of their lives and burry him there, under the "Olde Pub".
However, an argument ensued at the last minute between the members of the "Sons and Daughters of Saint Patrick's Battalion" or "San Patricios" over the original agreed upon burial place, resulting in further splintering of the splinter cell.
"We walked in on them just as a gunfight broke out," said Police.
Police surrounded the suspects' apartment as gunfire was being exchanged between members of the new and old splinter cells.
When the gunplay finally stopped, some three hours later, police entered the bullet riddled, empty beer bottle filled apartment, only to find the suspects engaged in hand-to-hand combat.
"They were all out of bullets, all out of Guinness. But they still had a refrigerator full of Corona, a crate of limes and a half a case of Cuervo Gold tequila left," explained police. "So they settled on a drinking game of 'Rock, Paper and Scissors' to resolve their divergent political ideals."
Initial findings of the investigation suggest the terrorist group broke up into smaller opposing factions, each vying for control to determine who would choose an alternate burial site.
"One divergent splinter splinter cell wanted to bury Ted Kennedy in a plain pinewood coffin in an unmarked Catholic grave back in old Mexico -- East Los Angeles, Aztlan," said police.
While the other divergent splinter splinter cell wanted to bury Ted Kennedy under the Statue of Liberty on Liberty Island in New York Bay.
Right under the inscription by American poet Emma Lazarus entitled 'The New Colossus' which reads: 'Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost, to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
"What a bunch of losers, misfits and wannabes," said police.
Once the terrorists where handcuffed, police originally called for a Patty wagon to haul the suspects away, but quickly corrected themselves realizing how culturally offensive the term would be to Irish-Americans today.
"So we called for a Taco wagon instead," said police.
All suspects were arraigned and quickly released on bail, retaining the legal representation of the last beacon of freedom whose light shines in the dark world. Standing for the ideals and principles our forefathers founded: God, country and the American way -- the American Civil Liberty Union (ACLU).
"I'd bet you Ted Kennedy is looking down from Heaven with a big smile on his face right now," said an ACLU attorney representing the alleged terrorists. "Only I don't believe in God or the after life. Attica! Attica! Attica!"