Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 1 September 2009

image for Jaycee Lee Dugard To Be A Contestant On Dancing With The Stars
Fido, the sock puppet that Jaycee kept as her pet while confined for 18 years.

HOLLYWOOD - Dancing With The Stars host Tom Bergeron has just informed the Hollywood media that Jaycee Lee Dugard has agreed to be a contestant on this season's edition of Dancing With The Stars.

Bergeron said that he personally spoke on the phone with the 29-year-old Dugard and she says that after being cooped up in that damn tent in that crazy man's backyard for 18 years, it will be a pleasure to be able to just stretch her legs and get out on the dance floor and shake what her mama gave her.

Jaycee who is still holed out in an undisclosed location for security reasons did say that she has already been approached to make a commercial for McDonalds.

She remarked that they have even developed a special burger in her honor. They are calling it The McJaycee Burger. It consists of a meat patty, pickles, tomatoes, and a special hidden sauce blended into the meat.

Jaycee Lee will also be given the keys to the city of Antioch, California and she will be allowed a shopping spree at the local Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart CEO Lloyd Persimmon said that Miss Dugard will be given a shopping cart and she will be allowed to put as many things in that shopping cart as she can in 25 seconds.

Persimmon quickly said that he was just kidding and that Jaycee would be allowed 25 minutes and she could use as many shopping carts as she can in the alloted time.

Throughout the entire 18 year ordeal Jaycee said that she helped to pass the time by thinking up of names to call the piece-of-shit jerks who kept her in captivity.

When police finally rescued her, Jaycee showed them the list which included 823 names ranging from anaconda piss to zebra crap. Jaycee said that she also played Scrabble, Monopoly, and Candyland in her mind since she did not have the actual board games.

Jaycee is scheduled to appear on the Ellen DeGeneres show where Ellen will be presenting her with a brand new car.

Later she will appear on the Oprah Show where Oprah will be presenting her with a brand new house and then she will make an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show where Hannity will present her with a free lifetime-membership to the GOP.

President Obama has also invited Jaycee and her daughters to spend a weekend at the White House where the "First Mama" Michelle and the "First Kiddoes" Malia and Sasha will have a nice old-fashioned camp out in the backyard.

The president then thought about that and he said that Jaycee and her girls would be staying in the Lincoln Bedroom instead.

President Obama assured Jaycee that the two wild animals that kept her a virtual prisoner will definitely pay for what they did.

He said that he has already instructed the attorney general to go to the IRS (Internal Revenue Service) and go through the income tax records of that sick couple for the past 18 years.

President Obama told Jaycee that if he even finds where they underpaid the United States government one nickle he will have them arrested, tried, convicted, and put in the dirtiest, filthiest, nastiest prison in the country.

He then added that since the United States Prison System does not have any dirty, filthy, nasty prisons, the crazy-ass couple will most likely be sent down to Texas where Governor Rick Perry will probably just end up shooting the two shitheads himself, since in Texas the Governor has that authority.

SIDENOTE: It's reported that when Governor Rick Perry was told about President Obama's plans he started salavating so much he messed up his fajita dinner.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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