MALIBU BEACH, California - Speaking from a rented beach house in Malibu Beach, ex-Miss California Carrie Prejean has announced that her attorney Magenta Duffydyke has filed several lawsuits on her behalf.
Named in the various lawsuits are The Federal Beauty Pageant Federation, Cream Toothpaste, The Los Angeles Lakers Laker Girls, Internet blogger Perez Hilton, the California Raisin Growers Association, Aphrodite's Ass Swimsuit Rentals, The Tiara Taco Mexican Restaurant Chain, and The Acme Beauty Crown and Sash Shop of Sacramento.
Mrs. Duffydyke issued a statement stately stating that her client, one Miss Caroline Michelle "Carrie" Prejean has suffered irreparable damage to her reputable reputation as well as to her characteristic character.
Miss Prejean has also suffered a plentifully profound and calculatoristically incalculable amount of shame, guilt, and embarrassment to her political affiliation, her religious beliefs, her dental hygiene, and her basic overall fundamental beautiful good looks.
And all of this is strickinistically due to the basic quasi-meanness, pseudo perversity, and ersatz animosity of the above mentioned individuals and/or groups.
Duffydyke, took a few moments to explain to the assembled media that her name is a Dutch word which means masculine-appearing lesbian who chooses of her own free will, volition, and accord to kiss members of her own gender on their duffs.
She went on to state that the stunningly lovely and unbelievably talented Carrie Prejean has also been an unwilling victimized victim of cosmetic discrimination, dietary discrimination, gender discrimination, and of course the ever present obligatory race discrimination.
Duffydyke was informed that regarding the charge of race discrimination her client is white and so are all of the individuals and/or groups that she is suing with the two exceptions of Quadrigga Armstrong and Shantella Sheridan who are two black Laker Girls.
Prejean's lawyer replied that the point is inherently and introvertedly irrelevant to the procedural proceedings as notably noted in the 1955 ruling of Gabriela Popote vs. The States of North Dakota, North Carolina, South Dakota, South Carolina, and West Virginia.
Miss Prejean's attorney further stated in an angrily tonetic tone that, that assessment was a mootistically moot point and that furthermore upon reflected reflection had no pontificated point or even an ipso facto factologically facsimile per se or otherwise.
One of the reporters hollered out "overruled!" Mrs Duffydyke became visibly and verbally upset and told the reporter to grab her reporting things and leave the press conference room immediately.
The reporter, who was identified as Milatina Cuttercroft with The San Francisco Proselytizer Post stood up, pointed to her crotch region and said, "Hey Duffydyke, I got your reporting thing right here you habeas corpus-looking bitch!"
A security guard, Yakahami Ichikawa, Jr., walked up to Cuttercroft and told her that, that was no way for a lady to be talking. She pointed her finger in his face and said, "Hey Dick Tracy who the hell said anything about me being a lady?"
The Malibu Beach Police Department was called and the meeting immediately broke up.
SIDENOTE: Ryan Seacrest stated on his radio show that Carrie Prejean had asked the producers of Dancing With The Stars that she would like to be chosen to be one of the celebrity dancers on the upcoming season. She reportedly was informed that they already had filled the 'dumb blonde' slot.