NEW YORK CITY, NY, USA A local magistrate has issued an unusual ruling following his determination that an American kestrel recently rescued from a marauding gang of pigeons and mourning doves in the Bronx had indeed infringed upon the copyrighted persona of shock rocker Alice Cooper.
The fledgling falcon's distinctive markings were brought to the singer's attention as it recovered from the vicious attack at the Animal Medical Center in Manhattan. The bird was actually called "Alice" by staffers because the lines under its eyes resemble Cooper's trademark mascara streaks; it has two narrow, vertical black facial markings on each side of the head, one below the eyes and one on the rear portion of the auriculars.
Alice Cooper, who was forced to interrupt his current tour in Australia to appear in court, testified, "First The Crow stole my make up, and now this kestrel has done it. This madness has got to stop. The bird has been trying to get a part in the show and will try anything to generate attention and get into our production."
The magistrate, no-nonsense Bronx native, former New York state congressman, New York mayor and People's Court Judge Ed Koch ruled that in light of the kestrel's obvious desire to be part of Cooper's show and its flaunting of applicable trademark law, justice would best be served by granting Cooper custody of the bird.
Initially reluctant to assume responsibility for the avian miscreant, Cooper expressed much greater enthusiasm with his most recent acquisition when he discovered that the bird's main vocalizations include the "klee" or "killy" sound, which is usually uttered in a rapid series of repetitions of the calls when the kestrel is upset or excited.
Cooper reportedly plans to capitalize on the kestrel's unique vocal skills by staging mock beheadings of the young falcon on a miniature guillotine as the hapless bird shrieks "killy, killy, killy, killy" followed by band members pelting the audience with bloodied chunks of a dismembered chicken at the conclusion of his concerts.
The ASPCA will be on hand to assure that no bird is harmed during the exhibitions.