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Saturday, 29 August 2009

image for Researchers Working on Cigarette Flavored Latte
Yum! Cancer!

Durham, NC - Relief is coming for those who have always wanted to drink from an ashtray. Researchers at the Institute for Tobacco Studies announced the creation of a cigarette flavoring that can be added to coffee drinks.

John Bloom of the ITS said, "This will give people an opportunity to enjoy both fixes at once. There isn't any smoke so the risk to others is minimal. Finally people will be able light up again in public - figuratively speaking of course."

Initial market research suggests a cigarette flavored beverage will not be cheap. Bloom estimates a sixteen-ounce Cigarette Latte would cost around twelve dollars. He says the hefty price tag is due to the cigarette tax. However, he noted that drinks spiked with cigarette flavoring performed well in test markets. "People kept coming back again and again."

Marge Borst - a school bus driver from Tampa - participated in the early trials. She said, "I'm always wanting a cigarette. These kids can really get on my nerves but, you know, I can't just start smoking - their parents would have a fit. This way I can get what I need to get through the day." Borst says she's not worried about the price but concedes she wishes the drink would leave her smelling like an old sock.

Bloom says ITS is working on adding a musty scent, although he insists smokers are not the only ones who will enjoy the new offering. "We use nicotine syrup so it's possible for a person to add some vanilla or raspberry to a drink, maybe even mix it in a hot chocolate for the kids."

Update: McDonald's announced it would be switching to the nicotine syrup. The syrup replaces the old system of employees putting out their cigarettes in customers' drinks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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