Randy John Johnson, President of John & Johnson has been named by President Obama as the "Gettin' It On Czar." In accepting the nomination, Johnson says that President Obama thought that our K-Y Jelly was a great boon to "Getting It On" and I will do the best I can to make sure America does just that and purchases plenty of our slippery jelly products."
First Johnson said that, according to the company's oldest members, "The origins of the brand name 'K-Y' are unknown. Two popular myths are that it was created in Kentucky, hence K-Y', or that the letters represent the key ingredients used to make the lubricant. Neither of these is necessarily true as at the turn of the twentieth century, most married couples in Kentucky used tobacco juice. The product also does not contain any main ingredients that begin with a K or Y, so it remains a bit of a mystery."
In naming Johnson, President Obama stated, "I can't imagine a better name for our new 'Gettin It On" Czar than Johnson."
"Remember, we must stand up against the enemas ..enemies of our commerce, a faceless enemy who wishes to disrupt our daily, weekly, and for the old folks , monthly 'Gettin' It On'."
"We men must stand up and do our part and get your minds off that Swine Flu and Terrorists and keep them on the little lady."
"The day we stop Getting It On, is the day the terrorists will have won!"
"How do you like that one, Jesse Jackson? You ain't all that, after all. Try to cut my nuts off will you?"
Johnson promised to see that all Americans, whatever race or creed, totally satisfied and gratified to the utmost fulfillment of their raunchiest dreams while lying there spoon-like in their beds at night.
Johnson says that he will begin forming a crack team of encouraging men and women by tomorrow morning and for American couples everywhere to expect some free samples in the mail!