Ted Kennedy is not only alive but he's having more fun than a cat with five peckers according to an inside source who asked that he not be named or "all those wild conspiracy theories will spring up again.
"The next thing you know there'll be witnesses that two cryogenic physicians were spotted on a grassy knoll."
"Then there will be movies and best sellers claiming that he actually had the Swine Flu. They read this report and there will be a hundred conspiracies by tonight's eleven O'clock News."
We had already heard the one about the medicals staff at the hospital saying this was not Ted Kennedy but John Kennedy, that Ted had drowned at Chappaquiddick years ago and that allowed JFK, who had beefed himself up on steroids, had taken Ted's place.
"Nope", stated the inside source, "None of that crazy ass stuff is true."
"The real Ted Kennedy, or at least the head and brain of the real Ted Kennedy, is in a secret hospital bed where he woke up completely delighted with his new 16-year-old female body."
"He's been in there playing with himself most of the day."