Hy-anus-spurt, MA-- Caroline Kennedy was appointed today to the US Senate. She is taking over the seat of her Uncle Ted, who dropped dead from shock yesterday after being charged with murder. Ms. Kennedy is well-known for her remarkable intelligence and her incredible speaking ability.
Ms. Kennedy will bring a remarkable resume to the Senate when she takes the seat in September. She is the only Kennedy to have never accidentally killed or maimed someone, unlike her uncle, brother, and cousins. She is also the only Kennedy to never use drugs or become addicted to alcohol. She spoke to me exclusively in this imaginary interview.
"Well, I really don't want his seat, I just want like, you know, to be the Senator. He just died yesterday, you know, so his seat is all cold and wrinkly, and, like, you know, I have an ass of my own. So what would I do with a second ass?" she inquired dumbly.
"I hope, you know, I don't have to eat lunch with Al Sharpton again, you know, because, like last year, or maybe it was this year, I don't know, he was like all icky looking with greasy hair, you know. What are we talking about?" she asked with a confused look on her face.
"I think being a senator must be easy. You just vote Yes or No on stuff, you know. Someone always tells you how to vote. I think you push a button to vote, or something, you know. That's the hard part. I think I could be a good, you know, senator to the people of Massachew-its, or whatever it's called, you know." she said.
"I have to go take my nap now." she said abruptly."Bye-bye!"
Senator Caroline Kennedy is exactly what the people of Massachusetts so richly deserve.