Sacramento, CA - In a series of "meetings" reminiscent of his big screen action blockbusters, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger attempted to rid the state of what he refers to as "girlie men." Toting numerous pistols, rifles, shotguns, automatic weapons, hand grenades, flamethrowers and rocket launchers, the Governor, piloting an attack helicopter also bristling with armaments, today launched an offensive to "clean up" the Golden State.
Starting with a pre-dawn surprise attack on the San Francisco Bay Area, the Governor left the "City by the Bay" a smoldering wasteland. Lifting off from a shattered Justin Herman Plaza, the Governor turned his wrath southward toward his own Tinseltown stomping grounds.
When news of San Francisco's decimation reached the state capital, a loud cheer went up from the State Assembly chamber. "When Arnie went off on his ‘girlie men' riff, I thought: ‘nice words, but will there be any action?'", said Assemblyman Kevin McCarthy, Republican leader of the California Assembly. "The attack on San Francisco shows that the Governor is a man of his word."
Despite the wildfires burning out-of-control in the southern part of the state, Governor Schwarzenegger did not hesitate to unleash wave-after-wave of rockets against his "foes". This aerial bombardment, while effective for chasing weak-willed liberals out of California, did little to abate the destructive fires ravaging the state.
State fire marshal Ruben Grijalva is struggling to extinguish the blazes while still showing support for the Governor. "I agree with the Governor's actions - and the philosophy behind them," said Grijalva, reached for comment on a fire line, "but I kind of wish he'd given a little thought to what his attacks would mean in terms of fire."
Rob Stutzman, a spokesman for the Governor, when asked for a reaction to the fire marshal, had this to say: "California is in crisis. There is no one who knows and feels this more than the Governor. Sometimes, when things are tough - as they are today - you need to be tougher. Sure there is going to be fallout from the Governor's strong action today, but really, what are the alternatives?"
The few Democrats able to escape the Governor's rage were reportedly grouping in Oregon and were in the process of mounting a counter-offensive to reclaim at least a part of the state. One, speaking on condition on anonymity, said that they would be "moving against that bratwurst-eating bastard," as soon as this week - pending their ability to arm themselves. "Look," continued the fleeing Democrat, "he's taken action unimagined by any of us and it's going to take time for us to strike back."
When told of this threat, the Governor declared it evident of the very problem he is trying to root out, "You see," he said, "they are not men of action, not men like me. Instead of strapping on many, many guns, they are sitting and thinking - just like the girlie men that they are."
Given the intransigence of both sides, it is likely that this is going to continue to be a long and hot summer in the Golden State.