Written by Rodd Justice
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Thursday, 4 April 2002

image for Woody Allen Eats Underage Girls
"Nice fillets"

The world famous movie-maker Woody Allen is at the centre of sickening allegations concerning his involvement with underage girls. It is alleged that he heats girls as young as 15 to two hundred degrees Celsius in his oven, marinades them, cuts them into tiny pieces and then serves them to dinner party guests as canapés.

Canapés that are enjoyed by all who taste them, particularly Steve Martin, who tried to latch onto their popularity to rescue his flagging career.

"I'd like to make a film about these guys," Martin said, Allen's stress-sweats going unnoticed at the time.

The shocking story comes from one of Allen's personal slaves, Omigo Celta Vigo, 22. "I was in the kitchen aggressively raping a dog, when I spied upon Allen using a shoe horn to get some plump chick into his curiously oversized cook-hole."

"I clearly heard him say 'they feed you well at Chef's college, don't they?'" Vigo continued his ramblings, eager to tell all in exchange for eyebrows. "I was going to confront him about it on national TV, but I called Jenny Jones, and she said that confrontation is more passé than heroin and cosmetic surgery for the middle-aged."

"Woody's promise that they are 100' beef reassures, but that reassurance is not reassuring in the sense that the reassurance is completely misplaced" said Vigo, who'd now got enough eyebrows to beard a fat-faced butcher.

Woody Allen is rumoured to live in a trendy area of Manhattan known as the "McDonald's District". It is known as this because Allen himself led a campaign to restore a McDonald's restaurant, much like the kind they used to have in the 20th century. As a result, it's a major attraction for plump teenagers.

"This evil MUST be stopped," Peter Sissons was heard to remark.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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