Written by Frankie The J
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Tuesday, 25 August 2009

image for EPA says Limbaugh, Beck and Coulter are cause of Global Warming and must leave Earth
The spiral galaxy Assaholio, where the three will spend eternity together

WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) - The head of the Environmental Protection Agency told a shocked Washington Press Corps Tuesday that right-wing broadcasters Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Ann Coulter have been determined to be the chief cause of Global Warming.

"We can no longer allow these three nutters to spew forth carbon dioxide and methane in such overwhelming amounts. Therefore, they must leave," the President did not say.

The three have been banished from the earth and solar system by Presidental Executive Order.

"These three people emit far more greenhouse gasses than all of China's coal burning plants, all of India's automobiles, and every snail sucking, croissant eating, absinthe swigging, fucking Frenchman combined," some tourist from Idaho told ABSNN.

Lisa P. Jackson, EPA Administrator did not tell reporters that Super Fund Clean Up money would be used to build an interstellar space craft capable of conveying the three conservative yappers "far away from the good earth, so that they will no longer poison the air we breathe with their noxious emissions."

Jackson was asked why the three couldn't be done away with far more cheaply, "say by a contract killer from the Banobo Family?"

"Because the Banobos bury their kills in New Jersey swamps, and the fumes given off by the rotting corpses might cause the extermination of humankind," Jackson refused to say.

President Obama praised Jackson and the entire staff at the EPA for finding the source of greenhouse gasses.

Reporters asked Obama if banishing the three commentators was cruel and unusual punishment for polluters.

"God knows, I do feel sorry for the two men, being cooped up with that tight assed Coulter woman. They'll turn gay. No man would fuck her," the President wished he could say.

Plans to place the three into hermeticly sealed storage drums to be held in a secret nuclear waste dump in Nevada were scrapped, because, like Area 51, no such place exists.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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