Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: Research, nuclear

Monday, 19 July 2004

In yet another major security lapse the entire Los Alamos Nuclear Research facility has disappeared. Officials are at a loss to explain how a complete complex of buildings and all the people in them could vanish amid the some of the tightest security measures in the country.

In an ironic twist the disappearance occurred during an inspection by Linton Brooks, the head of the National Nuclear Security Administration. Mr. Brooks and his aides were among those who have vanished. Mr. Brooks was at Los Alamos to investigate the disappearance of two electronic data storage devices earlier this month. Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham had ordered Mr. Brooks to go to Los Alamos; Mr. Abraham is still around for now.

Los Alamos, the birthplace of the Atomic Bomb, has recently been plagued by security failures. In the year 2000, classified information went missing and a researcher at the lab, Dr. Wen Ho Lee, was investigated. An indictment against Dr. Lee was handed down but dismissed when the missing data disk was found at the bottom of a blender used in the staff Margarita Mixer Party. Dr. Lee, who doesn't like tequila drinks, was cleared and is now doing pretty well on the lecture circuit.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, " You know, it's really just been one thing after another this year. It's kinda funny when you think about it; here we are, the Administration that's supposed to be at the head of the War on Terrorism and we keep losing our nuclear research. Now we actually lost an entire research facility. I gotta admit, it's beginning to look a little like we don't know what the hell we're doing."

When it was pointed out that that was exactly what this reporter has been saying since the beginning of Mr. Bush's tenure as President, Mr. Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of even more anonymity said, " Oh, can't you just shut up? You know, if I wasn't so damned afraid that I'm gonna be looking for work come November I wouldn't even give you the time of day. By the way, that reminds me; do you know of anyone that might need a Unnamed Person with my talents? I'm actually a pretty liberal guy...you know, save the whales, Medicare, all that crap."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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