Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Economy, Drugs, cash

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

image for The Latest Federal Program: "Cash For Stash"
Under the "Cash For Stash" program these cocaine pills known as "Purpies" will be purchased for $97 each.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The U.S. government noting that the "Cash for Clunkers" program and its "Cash for Cluckers" program were both very successful has proposed a new program called the "Cash for Stash" program.

This innovative project which will pay individuals for turning in their illegal drugs was first implemented in Paraguay in 2003, in order to rid the country of the illegal Brazilian drugs that had filtered into Paraguay.

And although the program was extremely successful the college student population of Paraguay dropped by 85 percent as hundreds of thousands of Paraguayan college students transferred to Brazilian colleges and universities.

Gomenzano Fettercain the United States Drug Czar recently had a high-profile secret meeting with Vice-President Joe Biden, Director of Pharmaceuticals Elroy Schwabzker, Secretary of Generic Drugs Consoletta Dunphy, "First Mama" Michelle Obama, and talk show host Oprah Winfrey.

The six individuals know collectively as "The Secret Six" agreed to implement the "Cash for Stash" program. They all agreed that it would help to eliminate some of the 800 billion tons of illegal drugs that are presently on the U.S. streets.

Vice-President Biden also suggested the possibility of building a fence between the United States and Mexico to keep the illegal aliens and the illegal drugs out.

Michelle Obama looked at Biden and responded by saying "Say what?" She then proceeded to inform the vice-president that the previous administration had spent $921 billion to build a fence to keep out the illegal aliens as well as illegal drugs.

The 'First Mama' asked, "And what the heck did that accomplish?"

She then went on to say that all it did was to encourage a group of four smart-thinking, hard-working illegal aliens to quickly dismantle 76 miles of the fence, which she pointed out was sold to pawn shops throughout northern Mexico and southern Texas.

Mrs. Obama mentioned the fact that the 'illegals' even managed to take the $2,000 metal sign that commemorated the fence. The sign read:

This fence was erected under the administration of President George W. Bush, one of the greatest American presidents in the history of American presidents. The fence was built by the Barbacoa Brothers Construction Company of California, because they were the lowest bidder. The main purpose of the fence, besides its aesthetic beauty is to keep all of the illegal aliens from coming into America and taking the jobs that belong to our legal citizens. So y'all 'illegals' that are reading this, if of course you can read English that is, please just kindly turn around and go on back to your casas (homes). Munchies garcias (many thanks) sincerely, Jorge (George) Bush.

Oprah said that she wanted to take the time to dispel the highly vicious rumor that has been circulating throughout the four 'I' states Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, and Idaho that she and Gayle hired seven illegal aliens to build her new $1.9 million Olympic-sized swimming pool.

She said in a tremendously angry voice that it was only five individuals and three were Costa Rican exchange students, one was a Peruvian tourist, and the fifth worker was a Panamanian hat maker who yes later turned out to actually be the infamous Guatemalan drug dealer known as "El Drugista," but he was promptly fired, arrested, and flown back to Panama on Delta Airlines.

Winfrey said that she insisted that all five workers show her their green card before they even started working on the pool. The Peruvian tourist did not have a green card, but he did show her a Taco Bell credit card, an autographed photo of Miley Cyrus, and an iPod with every song that Dolly Parton ever recorded.

Miss Winfrey says that she has so much confidence that the "Cash For Stash" program will work that she has decided to donate $700,000 to the fund.

She will also provide free of charge T-shirts that read: "I turned in my drug stash and I got a lot of cash and this really neat-looking T-Shirt."

In other news. It is being reported that Universal Pictures has already signed Emilio Estevez to star in the upcoming motion picture, Oops! Oops! Damn Oops! The Glenn Beck Story.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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