Helen Griggsby, 6th grade science teacher at the Robert E. Lee Elementary School here in Stonewall, Tennessee, announced the science fair winners for this year. Ms. Griggsby has been teaching science for 37 years and taught just about everybody in town under the age of 50 at one time or another.
First place went to Fondetta Hill for her project on tornados. Her title was "Big, Bad, Spinning Bastards" and the subtitle was "Why God Hates Trailer Trash." She made a tornado in a big 3 liter Coke bottle and it looked right pretty when she got it spinning.
Second place went to Earlene Gump for her project called "Why My Barbies Got Titties and My Cabbage Patch Dolls Ain't." She said it was because her Cabbage Patch dolls was brunettes and that they was mostly flat chested, while everyone knows that tall blondes all got big boobs.
Third place went to Billy Joe Tucker for his project "Do Night Crawlers Really Catch More Fish Than Regular Old Earthworms From Your Mama's Garden." He basically said that is don't make much difference if the fish ain't biting and that he prefers to use dynamite from his Daddy's hardware store.
Honorable Mention went to Jim Bob Travis for his project on "Which Brand of Toilet Paper Holds the Most." It might have been better than the other work, but he brought samples of his research and nobody wanted to get close enough to look cuz the smell was so bad.
The projects by the other 34 kids in the 6th grade were evenly divided between baking soda and vinegar volcanoes and models of the solar system.
The top three finishers get to take their projects down to the state capitol for the big science fair in October.
All four winners will get free hamburgers at Buck's Automotive, Tire, and Body Shop and PDQ Grill.