Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 28 August 2009

image for Macaulay Culkin Writes A Tell-All Book On Michael Jackson
Macaulay Culkin's literary agent Misty Vespucci reading the original manuscript of his tell-all book on Michael Jackson.

LOS ANGELES - Actor Macaulay Culkin who knew Michael Jackson just about as well as anyone has just published a book that deals with his close friendship with the 'Gloved One.'

The book is titled Neverland Was Originally Named The N Word Land. Culkin states in the book that Neverland's original name came from Richard Pryor.

Years ago Pryor had helped Michael out of a very serious legal situation involving two adult Polynesian midgets who looked 12 and 11.

Jackson was so relieved to have gotten out of that jam that he promised Pryor that he could name his new amusement park which was under construction at the time.

When the park was completed Pryor called up Michael and reminded him about his promise. Richard told him that he wanted the amusement park named "N-Land." Of course Michael did not like it, but he agreed to name it as Pryor had requested.

The name was registered with the Library of Congress Office of Registrations. When Bill Cosby found out that Pryor had named it "N-Land" he exploded.

Pryor immediately called up Cosby and asked him who the F had died and made him the king of the (bla*ks)? Cosby told him that he did not appreciate him using that word even if it did have an asterisk in the place of the 'c.'

Pryor went berserk and told him that he had his asterisk and that he could wrap his 'Puddin' Pop' lips around it and count to 4,000 in his head...slowly.

Cosby told him to shut up because he was acting like a gosh darn rude African-American.

Pryor hollered out that he was born in Peoria, Illinois and that he was not born in Africa like Cosby's spear-carrying, vine swinging, lion cookin' mama.

Cosby became highly incensed and said that his mother had never in her life cooked lion.

Pryor asked him if he wanted to see some Polaroid snapshots of his mama preparing lion chitlins.

Cosby said that he had, had enough. He said that he was going to call Mr. T and pay him $200 to whip his derriere (ass). Pryor yelled out to go ahead and that he would be introducing Mr. T to Mr. G (Glock).

Jackson soon called up Pryor and told him that he decided against naming his amusement park, "N-Land."

Michael then told Richard that Billy (Cosby) had called him and told him that if he did not agree to change the name that he would call up The National Enquirer and sell them some 'interesting' photos of Michael with a pair of Polynesian midgets that had been taken at Michael's 30th clothes-optional birthday party.

Pryor told Jackson that he had no onions and that he was nothing but a girly ballerina. Richard also called him a prissy priss, a pantywaist, and a white bitch. Jackson started crying hysterically and told Pryor that he was not a ballerina.

Richard then called up his good friend Eddie Murphy and told him that Michael had gone back on his word.

Murphy got extremely upset and he then called up Michael and told him to stop telling people that he was black because everyone could see that with his little bitty sissy-looking nose that he was not black and that the only black thing about him was his last name.

Michael started crying and he hung up on Murphy. Culkin writes in his book that Murphy never again spoke to Jackson.

Culkin also reveals in his book that Jackson's sister LaToya told him that MJ's first wife Lisa Marie Presley had confided to her that her and Michael's marriage had never been consummated (a couple of singles but no homerun).

Presley said that Michael was either away on a concert tour, or rehearsing in the garage, or else riding the Ferris wheel in the backyard with girl scouts, boy scouts, or Comanche scouts.

Lisa Marie even stated somewhat embarrassingly that in their two years of marriage she never once even saw Michael's pecker (wiener).

She smiled bashfully and said that she did see his 'nads' once when Michael was coming out of the shower.

She said that when he saw her he screamed like a little girl and quickly grabbed a Kleenex and covered himself up. In his book, Culkin emphasizes that, yes it was a normal, standard-sized Kleenex.

Culkin also writes in his book that Michael hated Dick Cheney, Howard Stern, and Madonna. He said that Michael hated Cheney and Stern for the obvious reasons, but the reason he hated Madonna was because she had once told Barbara Walters that she was much prettier than Michael.

Michael got back at her by going on the Oprah Winfrey Show and telling her that Madonna looked like a jack-o-lantern but with ears and a horrible hairdo.

SIDENOTE: Culkin said that he is going to use part of the proceeds from the sale of his book to get nose surgery so that he can get the same exact looking itty bitty nose that his idol Michael Jackson had.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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