SAN FRANCISCO - Chaz Bono, the former female writer, actor, musician Chastity Bono, who recently underwent a sexual reassignment surgery to become a male writer, actor, musician has won The 1st Annual Transsexual Olympiad which was held at The Rock Hudson Commemorative Stadium in San Francisco.
The 40-year-old ex-daughter now-son of Sonny and Cher won three gold medals and two silver medals, beating out participants who were half his age.
Chaz easily won the weightlifting championship by lifting a total of 491 pounds including one of the event judges who Chaz asked to stand on his shoulders while he lifted the barbell.
And although this action is highly unusual the rules do not prohibit having someone, including an event judge, from actually standing on the weightlifter as he lifts the barbell, of course assuming that it is okay with the said weightlifter.
Bono also won the free-style mixed wrestling event when he pinned Alexis Arquette nine seconds into the match.
Arquette started weeping and crying. She became progressively louder and dozens of fans started complaining that they could not even hear each other talk.
Finally the event director had to call security to take her away. An unnamed source said that Arquette became so disruptive in the locker room that one of the security guards ended up having to pepper spray her. She was still acting very aggressively and spat on Sausalito's Channel 69 star reporter Kim Koo Woo.
The reporter, who reportedly is bisexual then hit Arquette over her head with her Channel 69 microphone. Arquette grabbed the reporter's mic and tried to stick it up her(blank). But luckily she was stopped by undercover Police Officer Wally Takabooki of the San Francisco Police Department's Vice Squad.
Alexis then reportedly bit a cameraman and a program guide seller. Finally singer k.d. lang who was backstage visiting a friend who was participating in the lip synchronized swimming event became so upset with Arquette that she grabbed the taser gun away from Officer Tabooki and proceeded to taser Arquette's disruptive ass.
lang, who for some weird reason spells her names with lowercase letters was able to give Arquette four full taserings before Officer Tabooki was able to wrestle his taser gun away from her.
During the intense tasering Arquette had actually caught fire and her Paris Hilton designer dress had become engulfed in major flames. Officer Tabooki quickly grabbed her and threw her on the ground.
He yelled out to lang to go find a rug so that he could roll Arquette in it to douse the high-shooting flames.
lang returned right away but said that all she could find was a red bandanna that she had bought from a black gang member for $6. Tabooki put it on Arquette but of course it burned up in .3 seconds.
Arquette was yelling that she felt like a marshmallow on a stick. Tabooki told her to shut up because she needed to conserve oxygen and besides he was fed up as hell with her incessant high-pitched screaming and hollering. lang started laughing and told Tabooki that Arquette was starting to look like a charcoal briquette.
Finally security managed to bring in several homeless winos off the street at Tabooki's insistence and he instructed the four individuals to pee (urinate) on Arquette.
One of the homeless winos said that he didn't want to do it because he was embarrassed to take out his wiener in front of so many strange people.
Tabooki took out his service revolver and pointed it at him and voila like a laser beam out came the homeless wino's little one-eyed fella.
After about 50 seconds the four homeless winos had managed to completely extinguish Arquette. Queen Latifah who was also back in the locker room was simply amazed at what she had just witnessed.
She went up to each of the four winos and gave each one a fist bump. She then reached in her purse and gave each of the four homeless winos $7 and coupons for 45 percent off on Big Mac Burgers.
A doctor examined Arquette and said that she was fine. Miraculously the bitch had not received any burns to any part of her body.
The doctor noted that her blouse and blue jeans had been completely burned off of her. He then noted that her Victoria's Secret bra and panties though looked and smelled like burnt shit (#2).
Meanwhile back outside at the competition Chaz Bono had easily won the fencing event for his third gold medal of the competition.
He managed to build his fence in an amazing 24 minutes and 21 seconds as compared to the second place fence builder who came in at 29 minutes and 3 seconds.
Chaz later took second place in the diving contest. Unfortunately he had a point taken off when his bathing suit came off after hitting the water exposing half of his Oscar Mayer.
Joan Baez who had sung the National Anthem, visited with Chaz and told him how much she admired both him and his meat puppet.
Chaz looked at her and said that she didn't look bad herself for a broad that had just turned 68. Joan smiled and said that he didn't look bad for a girl that had just turned into a guy.
The two laughed and Chaz said, "Okay now lets make fun of Clay Aiken."
Chaz would go on to take second in the table tennis event due to a slight temper tantrum on his part which resulted in his hitting one of the judges on his head with the ping pong paddle. The judge was treated at the scene and he should have the 14 stitches removed in about seven days.
Bono would end up getting disqualified in the tennis event on account of threatening one of is opponents with an eight-foot bamboo stick.
During the medal presentation Chaz's mom Cher suddenly showed up on the podium. She was asked to sing a song and she sang one of her all-time hits "Gypsies, Tramps, And Thieves."
Afterwards she hugged Chaz, Queen Latifah, Joan Baez, k.d. lang, Alexis Arquette, and Officer Tabooki. She told them all with tears in her eyes, collagen in her lips, and gum in her mouth that she had not lost a daughter, but that she had gained a son.
She later confided to Melissa Etheridge who was there with her business partners Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres that it was not really true because she had in fact lost a daughter even though she had gained a son.
She told Ellen that she still missed doing girly things with Chastity like talking about botox and tummy tucks. She missed gossiping about Linda Ronstadt and Stevie Nicks.
And she really missed talking about Chaz's half brother Elijah Blue behind his back, as well as shopping for girly things like bras, sandals, pantyhose, nipple rings, and tampons.
SIDENOTE: Joan Baez and k.d. lang are planning on recording a Christmas album. The tentative title is "Chestnuts Resting On A Gropin' Liar"