Washington DC - On the heels of its widely successful 'Cash for Clunkers' program the Obama administration has announced a new plan to overhaul the nation's stockpile of old women. 'Gold for Grandmas' will allow family members to trade in their grandmothers for a pile of shiny gold.
The plan comes as the administration struggles to push through health care reform. Speaking to reporters at the White House President Obama conceded this new idea was the result of recent criticisms. Opponents of health care reform have compared the President to Adolf Hitler and indicated his policies are fascist. The President yielded this point during his address on Thursday. "I realized that I was the black Hitler and, as such, my push to murder grandmas would meet with some resistance - and that is why I decided to offer an incentive."
Under the new program participants would be required to handover their grandmothers in exchange for a predetermined amount of gold. The exact amount of booty is dependent upon the grandmother's age and health. An older, more infirmed nana is worth less than a younger, more vibrant one. Reaction to the President's plan has largely been positive. John Berg, a plumber from suburban Boston is in favor of the program. "I didn't like the idea of a death panel, I mean, that's not American - but I think this will work. I mean, I don't even really like my grandmother, she's cranky and kind of smells like pee. I don't know how many times I've thought about just dumping her in the trash."
Berg's seventy-five year old grandmother is eligible for the program. However, not all grandmas will be discarded. A grandmother must be no younger than 55 and no older than 100 to qualify. Families with slutty daughters - who by their whoring turned their mothers into early grandmothers - were deliberately left out of the legislation. When asked about this the President simply said "there's always abortion."
The slutty daughter contingent was initially included in the program but ultimately dropped after lobbying from interest groups. Gary Rodkin, CEO of ConAgra Foods said "no grandmas means no hot chocolate." ConAgra is the maker of Swiss Miss. Rodkin's concerns were echoed by representatives from the diaper and yarn industries. President Obama indicated he didn't want to harm business, "my plan was never to hurt business, it was to help business and help families. Families can take this money and spend it any way they like, maybe on a new television, and this in turn will help stimulate the economy." The President said the program has other benefits. "Look. This will help the environment by getting grandmas out of their cars, which reduces greenhouse gas emissions and speeds up traffic. This also means fewer trips for families who'll no longer have to make that yearly trek to grandma's house. Children will benefit. Each year millions of kids go to the hospital with bruised cheeks caused by severe pinching."
Grandfathers are not eligible under current rules. The President seemed to suggest life expectancy played a role in his decision to spare grandpas. Grandmothers who are traded in for gold will be dumped into local landfills. When asked how the government would pay for the buyout President Obama said "before the bodies are tossed we will go through each grandmother's mouth and look for gold fillings." The President did say the "filling money" would only go part way and that additional funds would need to be found.