Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Friday, 21 August 2009

image for Pope Benedict Moves To Make "Saint" Bill Clinton.
Hey, Mandy, I'll put in a good word for ya

(Washington-DC) It's difficult to say who was more surprised when the Vatican announced that it would begin the process of sainthood for William Jefferson Clinton, forty-second President of the United States: Bill Clinton, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Vernon Jordan, Monica Lewinsky and…well the list goes on.

Yesterday, the Vatican's public relations arm announced "Pope Benedict VXI deems former United States President Bill Clinton as a candidate for sainthood and that the process shall begin immediately."

Vatican and political insiders were both taken aback. "If we look at the first American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, and compare her to Bill Clinton, I just don't get it. But I guess I don't have papal infallibility on my side," said noted Harvard theologian Dr. Jonathan Mill-Hobbes-Davis. CNN Wolf Blitzer was equally puzzled, blogging, "Who knew you could hold a gold cord to Crazy Horse Too and become a saint?"

Many believe that the action by Pope Benedict XVI is an attempt to change his own image of a pontiff whose goal was to guide the Catholic Church back on a more conservative path. However, others in the Catholic Church think this has gone too far. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a bishop said, "This is just ridiculous. For the process of canonization, the individual has to be dead. So if you want to start making Presidents saints, let's start with Ronald Reagan."

On the issue of death, Father Sergio Leone, spokesmen for the Vatican, said, "For a President to go from impeachment to meeting with a dictator like Kim Jong-Il and securing the freedom of two women when the might of an entire world could not is truly a resurrection." Father Leone went on to say that former President Clinton's trip was also being examined as the evidence of a miracle needed for sainthood. "We had received reports that Kim Jong-Il was at death's door. But with the visitation of President Clinton, reports showed him to be invigorated as if his disease disappeared."

Washington insiders have been generally approving in their reactions. When asked about the situation, President Obama said, "Having now dealt with Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State for going on eight months, I can see where Bill Clinton could have the patience of a saint." President Obama then clarified that he was only kidding since "Secretary Clinton might yell at me again." Democratic strategist and long time Clinton insider James Carville simply said, "I don't know if Bill Clinton will become a saint or not. But I can tell you that there are plenty of women who will swear on a stack of bibles that he made them see God."

In a related note, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton released a statement, but as of this writing quotes were unavailable since no wire service picked it up.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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