NASTYASS, Indiana - A 52-year-old, former youth pastor for the Jehosephat's Witlessness Church, Baldfazd Lier, AKA, Ben, told a SRO press conference Friday that he "alone was Michael Jackson's true love, and longtime life partner."
The Reverend Lier claims that he and the late King of Pop grew up together in Indiana, and was a founding member of what became The Jackson Five, then known as "Five Moderately Talented Singers and one Little Shit who could dance and sing like a Hurdy-Gurdy Monkey," or FMTS&oLSwcdaslaH-G M, for short.
"Michael wasn't singing to no rat; he was singing to me, Ben," said Lier. "We were childhood BFF's. I can prove it, too," he claimed as he pulled a shriveled, black, mummified, supposedly human thing strung on a solid gold necklace. "It's his real nose," he said as he began to weep.
"He gave it to me after his first nose job, as a sign of his fidelity to me. He had it tattooed with the words, 'This is certified to be my real nose. Signed, MJ.'"
"Michael was so comfortable with our relationship that he would even remove his nose prosthesis when we were alone, usually in the Indianapolis Motel Sixty-nine. It might have been wrong, our sexual liaisons, but we were consenting adults, and what we did behind closed doors was our own affair. Michael Jackson gave me the best nose he ever had."
"We both knew ours was a forbidden love. But we were powerless to prevent it. Mikey even paid millions of dollars to young boys to claim he was queer, but not gay, just to keep the heat off the two of us. Especially because of my position in the one true Church, of which he was a lifelong member," said Liar.
Liar also produced a photo album with pictures purporting to be of him and Michael Jackson engaged in quite ordinary, day to day, normal homosexual activities: walks on moonlit beaches, horseback riding, and mutual pee pee touching, that sort of thing.
"I have filed a six quadrillion; billion; million dollar lawsuit against that quack what killed him, for the loss of companionship I suffered when Michael died," said Reverend Lier.
A spokesman for Michael Jackson's estate told me, "He can wish in one hand and shit in the other to see which one will fill up first."