Birmingham, Alabama: Disgraced tele-evangelist Jimmy Swaggert has announced taking his ministry in a new direction with the opening of more than 300 "Mr. Jesus, Pizza Shops".
"Let's face it, folks just don't go to church anymore, but they do eat tons of pizza every year. What better way to show our gratitude to the Lord, "he said here, at the announcement in front of the first "Mr. Jesus" unit.
All Mr. Jesus restaurants will be shaped like a church displaying an iconic sign complete with a copyright "Mr. Jesus" logo. "If Jesus were alive today he'd be wearing a baseball cap sidewise and a lot of bling," noted Swaggert, "he looks like the cool dude he was." The Virgin Mary is depicted next to him, looking a lot like pop star Britney Spears.
"Hey, ya gotta keep up with the times," noted Swaggert. "We expect to release a series of Christian Rap CD's featuring, 'Kool Jesu and the Virgin' which will be available at every "Mr. Jesus" location. "Food for the stomach, food for the soul, that's the Mr. Jesus slogan."
All "Mr. Jesus" pizzas will shaped like a cross, with toppings named; Last Supper, Loaves and Fishes, Communion Wafer Crunch, St. Peter, & St. Paul. "The toppings will be arraigned like a crucifix," said Swaggert, "after all we don't want to seen a sacrilegious," he firmly stressed.
"I want to be clear on one policy that will not be broken. You will not be able to borrow toppings from St. Peter to put on St. Paul. That's a move toward hell," Swaggert said, his eyes welling with tears, a familiar pose for him.
"All Mr. Jesus locations will be here in the South because Northerners are heathens anyway. After all this is the 'Babble Belt' or 'Bible Belt.' I've been out of the business so long I forget which is which," he concluded.