WASHINGTON, D.C. - White House Spokesman Cal Colfax has confirmed that a computer hacker has broken into Michelle Obama's White House computer.
The incident occurred while the first family was vacationing in Arizona. Colfax said that surveillance videos clearly show that the only person who had been on Mrs. Obama's computer was one of the White House maids Novella Largatos.
White House Secret Service Agent Wilmington Watermill informed Chief Special Agent Laramie Cobalt who was traveling with the president and his family in Arizona of the computerized situation.
President Obama right away wanted to know how Mrs. Largatos had gotten Michelle's private password, which he said he doesn't even know, except that he kinda thinks that it might be 'FirstMama.'
Michelle told her husband that her password was not 'FirstMama' but that he was close.
"HotMama?" he asked.
"No." Mrs. Obama replied.
"Ahh, how 'bout HoochieMama?"
"Barry, I'm fixin' to have to kick you in your half-black ass boy."
"Yeah, you heard me. I don't think I stuttered."
"Well...my Michelle, my belle you can call me boy, but I swear if I ever hear Joe (Biden) call me boy, he and I will be goin' to 'Fist City' and I mean pronto-like!"
The president then asked Agent Cobalt if Mrs. Largatos was responsible for the hack job. He replied that Largatos was perfectly innocent.
She confessed that she had logged on to email a birthday greeting to her daughter Chichita who works at a Wendy's down in Sonora, Texas.
Agent Watermill verified that Largatos had also gone into the computer and spent about 19 minutes playing Scrabble. Plus she had visited Eva Longoria-Parker's official web site, but only for about 55 seconds.
Cobalt informed the president that they had managed to trace the hacker's location and that he resides on West 93rd Street in Oskaloosa, Iowa. They used the GPS and were able to zero in on the house number which is 1417.
The white stucco house with a ghastly-looking pink and purple chimney is owned by a Mrs. Fondelle Portobello, 84, who is renting it to the Basilicatta twins, Patty and Paloma, 19 and 19, and who are sub-renting it to Dillmond Thickett, 37, an unemployed circus human cannonball.
White House secret service agents, FBI agents, CIA agents, and Deputy Piker Straddle of the Oskaloosa Sheriff's Department immediately descended on the house at 1417 West 93rd Street.
They busted in and found Dillmond Thickett sitting on the floor in the living room, in his KKK monogrammed underwear, eating a Big Mac and watching, of all things, an episode of Cops, which is filmed before a life audience.
FBI Agent-in-Charge Roanoke Sambuca said that as they pounced on Thickett he was singing the Cops theme song, "Bad boys, bad boys, whacha gonna do, bad boys bad boys watcha gonna do when they come for you."
Agent Sambuca said that Thickett sings alright except that he was a little pitchy in the middle and towards the end and that he really has to make a better song choice if he expects to ever get on American Idol.
Chief Secret Service Agent Cobalt said that they searched Thickett's house and they found that he had stolen several items of a recipe nature.
They found three pages of Michelle Obama's personal recipes titled, "Cornbread Recipes From The White House Kitchen of The First Mama."
After further searching, they found hidden in the towel closet two more pages of Mrs. Obama's secret personal family recipes including recipes for collared greens, chittlin's, barbecued buffalo wings, and moon pie.
Cobalt said that Thickett had also taken some very personal and highly intimate emails that Oprah Winfrey had written to Michelle regarding Stedman (her boyfriend), Gayle (her girlfriend), and Richard Simmons (her [?] friend).
SIDENOTE: Judge Judy LeVonsell "The Cornfield Beeach" Frackamacker stated that Dillmond Thickett has been arrested and he has been remanded to The Oskaloosa City Jail. He will be arraigned, given a fair trial, and then the sumbitch will be sentenced to 40 years at hard labor in the Iowa State Prison Correctional System.
As Judge Frackamacker stated, "Dis here hackin' shit, it gonna be stoppin' and it gonna be stoppin' pretty damn quicks.
Dees no good piss ant effin motherless hacker bastards is gonna find their skinny ass butts in a prison jail cell with some of da baddest, meanest, nastiest, buffalo-humpin' sons-of-bitches in da entire Midwest. And then...we'll just sees who da hell do da hackin' then. Now...I-just-be-sayin'."