LA GRANGE, Texas - The infamous Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, aka The Chicken Ranch has finally been sold. And the buyer is none other than South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.
Sanford purchased the long-abandoned Chicken Ranch through Nolan Ryan's Houston-based Blazing Fastballs Reality Company for an undisclosed amount [EDITOR'S NOTE: I called up Nolan and he told me that he sold the property which sits on three acres and includes a brand new septic tank, a 1997 John Deere Tractor, a movie theater popcorn maker, seven condom dispensers, and 61 chickens for a bottom line figure of $1,734,910.]
Governor Sanford was asked why he would want to purchase the world-famous whorehouse since after all it is just that a whorehouse. The governor laughed and said, "Duh. But really simple arithmetic will tell you that La Grange, Texas is a lot closer to Columbia, South Carolina than Pergamino, Argentina is."
He stated that the semi-monthly flights down to Argentina were knocking his savings account in the dirt. He added that by flying to Texas instead of flying down to Argentina he would be able to spend more time with his delicious Argentinian girlfriend.
He stated that he would also have more time to discuss the future status of his marriage with his estranged wife. And he would have more time to spend running the government of the great, sovereign, state of South Carolina."
He smiled and said, "And let me just add that the great, wonderful, and kindhearted people of South Carolina are the most forgiving people on the face of the earth, except for maybe the Eskimos, but heck they're all way up there in Alaska somewhere."
The governor was asked what he thought that the voters in his home state of South Carolina felt about his extra-marital affair with Miss Faniana Calientosa.
He sighed and said that half of the people of South Carolina did not even know about his little indiscretion.
He then added that forty percent of the citizens of South Carolina had forgiven him for his roving, wandering, whore-mongering ways.
"And how about the other ten percent governor?" He was asked.
He paused for a few minutes and then said, "Well as for the other ten percent who do not like the fact that I flew down to Argentina and banged my girlfriend while I should have been running the office of the governor and paying attention to my wife and kids, all I can say is that they can just all go to hell and take ninety percent of the media who reported my whore-mongering with them."
Gov. Sanford said that he was feeling kind of dizzy and he wanted to change the subject. He said that when he first learned that the Chicken Ranch in Texas was on the market he knew that he had to try and buy it.
He said that two other parties were looking into buying the whorehouse as well. Jon Gosselin of Jon and Kate Plus 8 fame was looking to buy it as a little getaway for him and his 'Piece-of-Ass of The Week.'
And America's Got Talent contestant Kevin Skinner had emailed Nolan Ryan and inquired about what the monthly payments would be with no money down. Ryan emailed him back and told him that the payments would be $17,349 a month.
Skinner wrote him back and said that he would get back with him once he pays off his house trailer in Mayfield, Kentucky.
Gosselin reportedly is now looking into buying the infamous House of The Rising Sun Whorehouse in New Orleans.
The only problem with that property is that workers have not quite yet been able to completely get that Hurricane Katrina smell out of the walls, drapes, curtains, carpets, and house manager Velma Sue St. Sylacauga's clothes, shoes, and underwear.
Meanwhile The La Grange Chicken Ranch is in relatively good condition. The Barbacoa Brothers Construction Company of East Los Angeles, California was the lowest bidder and they have been doing an excellent job of pretty much managing to get the chicken shit smell out.