Written by Andy Lam
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Friday, 16 July 2004

image for Ralph Nader: Love Machine
The candidate's "bedroom eyes"

The first in a series of profiles on the Presidential Candidates

Washington, DC - In 1965, Ralph Nader penned his seminal work, "Unsafe at any Speed". Those closest to the 70-year-old candidate report that when it comes to the ladies, Mr. Nader is a high-speed love machine who is "insatiable at any speed".

Mr. Nader, a life-long bachelor, opted for this lifestyle to allow the greatest freedom in his pursuit of romantic conquests. His closely guarded "little black book" is said to contain the names, phone numbers - and intimate details - of over four thousand women across the country and around the world.

Not one to kiss and tell, Mr. Nader rarely delves into the sordid details of his personal life. His only confidant in this realm seems to be Playboy founder Hugh Heffner. Speaking on condition on anonymity (but winking spastically as he asked), the Hef proved to be a rich source of information.

"I got to say, back in the mid-1960s, just after the first book I guess, Ralph was a hot commodity. At Playboy, we were also hitting our stride. Ralph and I were both there on the scene - both young up-and-comers - so it made sense that we became close. Especially once we discovered our similar carnal requirements."

Hefner continued, "At that time, Chicago was still swinger Eden, so Ralph would make the drive from New York or DC at least once a week for a little lovin'. The girls all wanted to know when he was coming so they could spend some time with the man they called ‘the world's hardest customer', which is play on Ralph's nickname for himself, ‘the US's toughest customer'. Ah, good times, good, good times."

The two geriatric Don Juan's still stay in touch, but there are those that dispute Heffner's recollection of the past. One of these people is former California Lt. Governor Candidate Donna Warren. "Ralphie was as satisfying to me as any man has ever been," said Warren, "but there was a caring core to his lovemaking that doesn't gibe with the stories you hear. I hope that people aren't left with the impression that Ralph is just some kind of Lothario - he's too good for that." When asked when she and Mr. Nader had last been in touch, Ms. Warren was unable to provide a specific answer.

Nadine Metz, 68, knew Mr. Nader during his days at the Gilbert School. "I've known Ralph from before he was shaving," said Ms. Metz, a retired teacher still living in Connecticut. "He and I had a relationship for many years, until he went off to Princeton in '55 I guess. Before he left, and when he came home for breaks, he and I were quite an item. But time passes."

Mr. Nader knows this too. He continues to devote as much time to making time with as many ladies as he can. Though not willing to be interviewed for this story, Mr. Nader did offer a big wink and smirk when the subject of the story was mentioned.
Go, Ralph, go.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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