Written by Chuck Terzella
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Topics: Prison, Court

Friday, 16 July 2004

image for Martha Stewart Sentenced to Sixty Five Years
Never, NEVER, Coat Your Walls with Chinese Food

Martha Stewart has been sentenced to sixty five years in a Federal Maximum Security Prison for violent felons. The term, which far surpasses the court mandated minimum sentencing guidelines was imposed by United States District Judge Miriam Cedarbaum in New York today. Judge Cedarbaum cited the fact that Martha Stewart "lied, cheated and showed no remorse regarding the ‘Use of Bok Choy Episode' of The Martha Stewart show.

The episode alleged that Bok Choy could be used as a decorating medium. Ms. Stewart showed how the Asian food could be rolled, dipped in paint and used to marble your front entrance hallway. Apparently, Judge Cedarbaum was not impressed with the effect, saying in her sentencing from the bench, "I ended up with Bok Choy all over my damn walls! It took me six months to get the smell out of my house. I finally had to hire one of those fire restoration companies to clean the place up."

Judge Cedarbaum also cited the fact that Ms. Stewart made "women everywhere feel inadequate, stupid and unimaginative by being so goddamn smart all the time.". She went on to say, "Actually, I am not sentencing you to any time for the securities fraud thing; after all, who cares about that, but lady, let me tell you this: You mess with my front hallway and you're toast."

Martha Stewarts lawyer, Robert Morvillo said, " You know, I was all set to appeal the Judges ruling but how can you defend rolling Bok Choy all over your walls? My wife did the same thing as the Judge and she cried for months. We had my daughters wedding reception at the house a week after she did it (the Bok Choy thing) and we had to change the menu from Rack of Lamb and Cornish Game Hen to General Tso's Chicken and Sweet and Sour Pork just to mask the smell. Imagine."

The Judges ruling has had an unintended effect. Due to the ruling a Class Action Lawsuit has been instituted against Ms. Stewart. The Bok Choy Brief, as it is becoming known as, has been filed on behalf of three million women world wide and seeks four billion, six hundred and fifty five million, seven hundred and sixteen thousand, three hundred twenty two dollars and sixteen cents in damages.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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