Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Convention

Saturday, 15 August 2009

image for Missouri Convent Nuns Beat The Hell Out Of A Trespasser
Our Lady of The Land of Lakes Convent where Sisters Connie and Catarina live.

INDEPENDENCE, Missouri - The sign at the convent gate entrance reads "No Trespassing" and by golly you had better obey the son-of-a-gun sign!

Two nuns Sister Connie and Sister Catarina were sitting out on the convent porch drinking milk and eating angel food cake when they noticed that someone had just broken into the storage shed where they keep their gardening tools.

Sister Connie quickly called 911 while Sister Catarina went around the back to try and trap the trespasser. As she turned the corner the trespasser saw her and he became startled.

He started running and Sister Cat, as her uncle calls her, took off after him in flips flops and nun's habit and all.

The trespasser who was later identified as Skippy Digglegarden, 17, was carrying a pair of pruning shears, a rake, a bottle of Miracle Gro, and a fifty pound bag of Scott's Weed and Feed.

He almost tripped over a skateboard that was laying out on the convent grass and he dropped the pruning shears, the rake, and the bottle of Miracle Gro.

Digglegarden did manage to still hold on to the fifty pound bag of Scott's Weed and feed. By this time Sister Connie had circled around and she was able to tackle him right before he got to the convent gate.

Once Sister Catarina caught up she immediately jumped on Digglegarden who was now being pummelled repeatedly by Sister Connie with one of her flip flops. By this time three more sisters had showed up and they quickly proceeded to jump on top of the pile.

Digglegarden was screaming and yelling for them to stop, but his pleas fell on deaf ears since by now the five nuns were hollering up a storm and yelling things like, "Take that you skinny little bastard," "We may be nuns but we can kick your stealin' mofoin' ass all the way from her to St. Louis," and "Please excuse our language shithead, but we are five pissed-off-as-hell nuns right now."

Police soon arrived and Officer Vernon Lighthouse instantly hollered out for the nuns to get off the kid. They did not respond. His partner Officer Fiorello Savuto then took his service revolver and fired a warning shot in the air.

The nuns quickly stopped beating the daylights out of Digglegarden and they all stood up. Officer Lighthouse bent down and put him in handcuffs. He read him his rights and put him in the backseat of the police car.

He then turned to the nuns and asked them how they learned to fight like that. They smiled and then Sister Catarina said, "Well our favorite show is Cops, we watch it religiously every night."

Officer Lighthouse shook his head and smiled. He thanked them and started walking towards the patrol car. He stopped, turned around, and with a big old smile on his face said "Now ladies, I want you to promise me that y'all are not going to make a habit out of this ya hear?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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