Madison Avenue, New York - Barrowing the title from O.J. Simpson's book, "If I Did It", former vice president, Dick Cheney, spells out in his version of events of those crazy days in the White House, using no uncertain terms to describe how he masterminded the Bush foreign policy. Or as he wrote in his book: "Cut the inoperable cancer that's unmonitored free speech out from the throat of Lady Liberty, with only a blunt blade and rusted corkscrew from a Swiss Army pocket knife to assist me in order to save her from herself."
Advanced copies of Dick Cheney's memoirs marked "Proof Read Copy Only" were leaked to the members of the media, launching a preemptive sortie of premature and mixed book reviews.
"Dick Cheney's 'If I Did It' illustrates to the American reader what the rest of the world has known all along," said "The Onion". "That his deadpan delivery and dry as a mummy's funny bone witty satire is unsurpassed, making him the straight man (and George W. Bush the fall guy) of our Generation X generation. Bravo! Two Thumbs up!"
"It cuts right through the red tape and takes you behind the yellow tape," said "Mercenary" magazine. "Carefully walking through the crime scene of the past eight years of the Bush administration without disturbing any of the evidence. Or more importantly, leaving any incriminating evidence behind."
"It almost made me put my joint down," said "Rolling Stone" magazine.
"Who ghost wrote this piece of [BLEEP]," said "The Christian Science Monitor". "God damn [BLEEPING] Casper?"
"Pure pulp fiction," said "TheSpoof.Com". "It lacked credibility. There wasn't a single reference to a turd, vagina or penis anywhere in the whole book."
Still the final say will come from the book reader rather than the book reviewer.
The following excerpt is from Cheney's upcoming book and has kindly been provided here with written permission from the publisher to help guide you before you make that final purchase:
"Benjamin Franklin was morally weak and wrong. You can't have liberty and security at the same time. It's either one or the other. You can't have both.
Take Lady Liberty for example. Sure she's fun gal to party with but she's not the type you take home to meet mother, because when the heat is around the corner, she can't keep her trap shut. You have to be prepared to put your hand over her pretty little mouth and not let up.
Not until the other hired hands move on. Past the barn where the two of you are hiding that dead puppy I done pet too hard on that little ranch on the outskirts of Salinas, California. It's either that, or until she stops struggling in your arms, her body finally going limp and her skin cold to the touch.
Unfortunately for a man in my position, it's sometimes both. But sometimes that's the way it has got to be, says George -- Or else, he won't let me pet them rabbits. Um, rabbits. Them so soft and furry too."
-- Excerpt from Dick Cheney's, "If I Did It" book
The book expected to retail for $29.99 (hardcover) and officially released in time to make an excellent stocking stuffer for Christmas. No doubt destined to become a classic with the *kids, wanting it read to them over and over again.
*Not recommended for children under the age of 12 or unable to distinguish reality from fantasy. Or adults that still believe in the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, or in any of the three remaining Amendments, out of the original 10, listed in the Bill of Rights.