Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: Iowa, Tornado, trailer

Saturday, 15 August 2009

image for Iowa Man Designs Tornado-Proof Trailer Park
A photo of Dean Biffersteen's tornado-proof trailer.

WATERLOO, Iowa - Dean Biffersteen, an unemployed graphic designer has designed what he says is a tornado-proof trailer park.

Biffersteen was recently terminated at The Tobias Talbot and Second Cousins Graphic Design Agency for allegedly sexually harassing Mr. Talbot's estranged wife, his sister, and his maternal grandmother, while working in the office.

The police report stated that Biffersteen was merely just wiping off lint from the three women's dresses. Judy Kay Talbot, Tobias' 43-year-old estranged wife said that she was wearing a one-piece bathing suit at the time.

Timothea Talbot, Tobias's 47-year-old sister said that she was wearing Daisy Duke short shorts at the time.

And Granny Betsy Faye Pixx, 91, said that she was wearing farming overalls but that underneath she had put on a very pretty blue gingham mumu that she had hand-sewn the night before while watching the Ten O'clock News.

Biffersteen says that the women are all making up this story to get back at him because he has spurned the sexual advances of all three.

He said that Mrs. Talbot invited him to an X-rated movie. Timothea asked him to be her date to the Annual Waterloo Corn Shuckin' Festival and Cornbread Fixin' Contest, and Granny Pixx said that she wants him to father her child.

Biffersteen's attorney, Sal Montefiascone, 45, said that he will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that all three women are lying out their (blanks).

Montefiascone added that he has written notarized statements from five of Betsy Faye Pixx's neighbors who say that she runs around her neighborhood telling people that she is Celine Dion.

He stated that yes Betsy Faye does have Celine's eyes and her nose, but that's it.

Meanwhile Biffersteen says that he has been so depressed about the whole situation that he eats 24/7. He said that he took up playing solitaire, but he soon quit when he caught himself cheating.

He said that he recently sat down with a pencil and a yellow legal pad and just started doodling. One of his doodles turned out to be the blueprints for a tornado-proof trailer park.

Biffersteen said that he was amazed at how specific all of the details were. He stated that he took his idea to the largest trailer manufacturer in Iowa, The Tornado Alley Trailer Company of Des Moines.

He met with the company's chief director of design and implementation Carson Gulchwood and showed him his draft along with a full-size model of one of the tornado-proof trailers. Gulchwood looked it over and said that he was impressed and interested.

He told Biffersteen that he needed to try it out. So the two got in Biffersteen's white Ford truck with tornado-proof trailer in tow and they drove out to Interstate 380 in search of a tornado.

Two days later they spotted a tornado. And it was a doozy. They drove up within 400 yards of it and stopped. Both men got out of the truck and quickly climbed into the trailer.

Within minutes the powerful tornado hit the trailer with winds that Gulchwood estimated as being somewhere between 180 and 182 miles per hour.

The trailer was knocked around all over the place kind of like a soccer ball in a Brazilian whorehouse.

After the tornado passed, both men got out. They managed to walk around the trailer twice and found that there was no damage whatsoever. The trailer was in perfect condition. Gulchwood said that he was absolutely stunned.

He told Biffersteen that his company definitely wants to purchase the rights to his tornado-proof trailer invention.

He said that The Tornado Alley Trailer Company will also purchase some land adjacent to Waterloo's Happy Creme-Style Corn Municipal Airport and turn it into the nation's first tornado-proof trailer park.

Biffersteen was both thrilled and sad. He was elated for the obvious reasons but he was sad because his white Ford truck was gone.

He and Gulchwood searched for two hours and they could not find it. They did find two trucks; one was yellow and one was green.

Gulchwood finally called a taxi to take them back to the office so that they could sign the needed paperwork.

SIDENOTE: Biffersteen never found his white Ford truck. He figured that the tornado had picked it up and most likely dropped it down in some secluded area somewhere in either Wisconsin, Minnesota, or Vermont.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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