Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 17 August 2009

image for Paula Abdul Offered Job On North Korean Idol
A pair of red shoes that Simon Cowell gave Paula for Christmas last year.

LOS ANGELES - Ex-American Idol judge Paula Abdul stated that she has been offered a job to appear as a judge on North Korean Idol.

Ms. Abdul who was fired from American Idol because she wanted $20 million refused to say what North Korean Idol offered her to appear as a judge on NKI.

She did confess to one of her best friends Rayleen Raspoli, 52, that she now feels that she may have messed up big time by not accepting the $10 million a year offer from American Idol because her cell phone is not exactly ringing off her lap.

Raspoli revealed that Paula is so depressed that she has been doing nothing but sitting in her $3.4 million mansion and working crossword puzzles, playing tic-tac-toe, and eating peanut butter and jelly bagels.

Raspitita as her maid Martina Violonchelista, 15, calls her says that Paula told her that the only job offer that she has had since turning down AI's 10 mil is from a Dairy Queen in San Bernardino who wanted her to appear and sign autographs during their new "Buy One Potato Chip Blizzard And Get A Second Potato Chip Blizzard Free Promotion."

Raspy, as her ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake, not the famous Justin Timberlake, but the Justin Timberlake that works at Radio Shack in La Brea, calls her said that Paula really misses the fact that she will no longer be able to say things that she did on American Idol like "Touchdown," "My you look pretty (or) handsome," and "(NAME) you know we all love you right?"

Ms. Abdul was especially upset because the big national toy manufacturing company Hasbroken has cancelled production on The Paula Abdul American Idol Action Figure Doll.

Abdul said that they told her that they had decided to go in a different direction and manufacture The Amy Winehouse Action Figure Pierced and Tattooed Up-The-A** Bitch Doll instead.

Rasputin, as her paternal great grandmother Pebbles calls her, said that Paula is especially devastated that she has not had any calls from any of her ex-American Idol co-workers, Simon Cowell, Ryan Seacrest, Randy Jackson, and Kara DioGuardi.

Paula confided to her in strictest confidence that she really misses Simon, especially the way he would reach down, pull up her dress, and play with her upper thighs when the camera was not on them and of course during all of the commercials.

She said that she will miss Ryan always complimenting her and telling her that she looks very pretty like Cleopatra, Lady Godiva, Hayden Panettiere, if Hayden was 47, Snow White, and Betty White, when Betty wasn't 97.

Abdul said that she will really miss Randy and the way he would call her "Hey dawg" when they were backstage, in her dressing room, or on a platonic date.

And regarding Kara DioGuardi, Paula said that she will not miss her. Paula got visibly upset and said that she knew that the only reason that the American Idol producers hired her was so that they could get rid of her (Abdul).

Paula said she never liked Kara. She said, "Kara is nothing but a spoiled little grown up brat. And I really felt that when she came out that time wearing a bikini swimsuit to show up "Bikini Girl" Kara made herself look like she was desperate for the guys to know that she has tatas. Well of course she has tatas, she is after all a girl...duh!"

So for now Paula Abdul will just spend her time working crossword puzzles, playing tic-tac-toe, and eating peanut butter and jelly bagels.



Rayleen Raspoli said that one day last week Paula got all happy and excited because she had gotten a call from her ex-husband Emilio Estevez. Afterwards she told the Rasper that Emilio had called to ask if she could pay him the $900 she has owned him since May of 1994.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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