CHARLESTON, WV -- Ten weeks after the late May fire that resulted in 2nd and 3rd degree burns that very nearly killed pseudo-celebrity Tijuana Ramada, West Virginia Arson Investigators have tentatively ruled the blaze that gutted the entire 5th floor of the historic Daniel Boone Hotel "was an act of God: Spontaneous Human Combustion."
The startling remarks were among many surprises contained in the official report from the State Fire Marshall's Office in a press release released Monday morning.
Tijuana Ramada, 24, the heiress apparent of the international hotel chain named for her father, Gonad Ramada, suffered burns over ninety per cent of her body on May 24, 2009. At precisely 10:37 p.m. EDT, an explosion rocked the historic hotel and caused "catastrophic devastation" throughout the 5th floor of the 146-year-old building. Her BFF, Paris Hilton, was uninjured in the blaze.
R. Naught Stewpit, Chief Investigator for the West Virginia Fire Marshall's Office, told reporters that "Ms. Ramada and Ms. Hilton are so full of shit that methane gas built up to levels too high to be estimated and that Ms. Ramada spontaneously ignited."
Ms. Hilton is fuming that her friend received more press than she, and has been barred from visiting the Burn Unit where Ms. Ramada is being treated because physicians fear Hilton too, might combust "and kill us all."