PALM SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA - An autopsy report released today listed the true cause of former President Reagan's death as "Brain Anoxia". (Anoxia is lack of oxygen to the brain, causing cell destruction and sometimes death.)
"He had six jelly beans lodged in his throat and tracheal scaring from past episodes. There was absolutely no evidence of Alzheimer's disease or other brain disease. His apparent memory loss and confusion was due to these anoxic episodes, brought on by tracheal obstruction from jelly beans. Doctors further stated, "We found evidence that Mr. Reagan had suffered numerous episodes of anoxia prior to the one the killed him".
"It was the beans! I tried to get him to stop, but he just couldn't. If he had just said No, none of this would have happened", wife Nancy told reporters.
Other family members related interventions, they had tried to get him to kick the habit. "We once forced him at gunpoint, (the NRA approved treatment for all negative maladaptive behavior) to eat jelly beans until he puked. We thought he'd be so sick of the sight of them, he'd never eat them again. But, the treatment didn't work. Nancy found him hiding in the tool shed, just shoveling them in. He had them stashed all over the place. In tool boxes, old mason jars and even under the floor boards. It was sad". When the family was asked why they lied about his addiction, they said, "Ronald was a true capitalist. A revelation like this would have destroyed the jelly bean industry".
The "truth" has outraged the better part of the world. Consumer advocate Ralph Nader stated, "This is yet another government lie and cover up. The very safety of our candy supply had to be questioned".
Al Sharpton, leader of the African American Renewal campaign intitled, "NO MORE LIES FROM THE WHITE GUYS", commented, "This is just another "lilly white lie" perpetrated by the white community. White folks need to clean up their own house before they send their little narrow ass representatives to "our" house and tell "us" to "just say no!" (He then made a comment about Nancy Regan, that was off the record), "She looks like a damn Pez despenser. I never liked the woman's candy".
An Alzheimer's support group, "Relatives and Friends of Alzheimer's Sufferers" tells us, "We are furious, that family had our support and sympathy. That Mr. Reagan was nothing but a common addict. We were all duped into believing he had Alzheimer's disease. It's clear that "just say no" applied to everything including the truth. We will never forget this! (But their relatives will.)
The Surgeon General told reporters, "I've wanted to act on this for a long time, but my hands were tied. A label will be issued to warn consumers of both the addictive qualities of jelly beans and health hazard they pose if used recklessly. This should be addressed immediately before another life is affected by this dangerous candy".
Former President George Bush Sr. added, "If he had only listened to me. Read my lips! No new jelly beans!" Former President Clinton also provided comment, "I told him time and time again, switch to cigars, Nancy will love it!"
(What is he talking about?)