LA HABRA, California - In a surprising development, Lindsay Lohan's on-again, off-again gal pal Samantha Ronson has just announced that she is the real father of Michael Jackson's three children.
Ronson met Ryan Seacrest at a Dairy Queen in La Habra and confided to him that she is the biological father of MJ's children Prince, Paris, and Blanket.
The 32-year-old London native said that she had been sworn to secrecy, but now she felt that she had to get the truth out. She said that she is not doing it for money because she makes good money being a party DJ.
She said that she has pictures of her and Michael shaking hands after agreeing each of the three times to having her be the daddy.
When reached for comment Michael's father Joe Jackson said, "What da hell! Now hows in da world can dis Savannah Ronstadt (sic) gal be da biographical (biological) daddy of Michael's three chillrens.
The elder Jackson went on to say that the chillrens don't looks nuthin' like the bitch. Dis Ronco (Ronson) woman has a big nose and she smokes like a damn choo-choo train.
Airybody know that Michael had a little bitty tiny girly nose. And airybody know that Michael hated cigarette smoke more than he hated Rush Limbaugh.
Katherine, Joe's wife agreed and added that there is no way on Earth that Ronson could possibly be the father of Michael's three children because this Samantha Ronson woman does not have a peter (wiener).
When Michael's sister LaToya was asked what she thought about the fact that Samantha was going around saying that she was the biological father of her brother's kids she smiled and said that she believed it.
LaToya said that the reason she believes it is because she recently had a very intimate conversation with Lindsay Lohan and LiLo did in fact confirm that Samantha Ronson does possess what appears to be a male member.
LaToya smiled, like a beauty pageant contestant, and then remarked that LiLo told her that she is about 93 percent certain that Ronson's peepee is really real and not just some fake lap lizard that you can buy at one of them sex shops or even on eBay.
Meanwhile Angelina Jolie and Madonna have made it known that each one wants to adopt the three Jackson kids.