Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: War, France, Venezuela

Monday, 10 August 2009

image for Venezuelan Troops Invade France
One of the Venezuelan army's four tanks advancing towards Paris.

PARIS, France - The French National News Agency Ooh La La has reported that Venezuelan troops have landed in the English Channel town of Barfleur and have captured the city without firing a single shot.

The Venezuelan troops are led by General Cortez De Cortez. The General has been instructed by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to proceed eastwardly 190 miles and capture the city of Paris.

General De Cortez informed President Chavez that the French have offered no resistance. When the mayor of Barfleur, Pierre Baton Rouge was told that they were being invaded he remarked, "We do not fight. We are Frenchmen. We make wine, and fries, and croissants. Would you like some please...for free of course."

Mayor Baton Rouge went on to say that his people do not make war because they are a happy go-lucky gay type of individuals. And by gay, he stressed that he meant gay in the happy sense of the word not gay in the Lindsay Lohan-Samantha Ronson gay sense of the word."

It was originally Mayor Baton Rouge's understanding that the Venezuelan troops had merely come to France to shop for French wine, French perfume, and French ticklers.

He had no earthly idea that they had come to invade them and to set fire to the beautiful French countryside, to pillage the cheese cellars, and to frolic frivolously with the fabulous French females; of legal age of course.

General De Cortez's assistant Private Carlando Queso remarked that everywhere they went everyone kept saying, "Do not shoot, we surrender."

He added that the French citizens offered the Venezuelan soldiers everything from French bread and French wine to French toast and French kisses.

One of the Venezuelan soldiers remarked that he did not know why but he said that the French women are fantastic kissers. Another soldier agreed and said, "And they will kiss you in places on your body that you did not even know you had."

Private Queso said that he has been in the Venezuelan army for 30 years and he is a veteran of the Venezuelan-Zimbabwean War of '87, the Venezuelan-Chinese War of '93, and the Venezuelan-Icelandic War of '01 and he has never seen a country with so many white flags.

He was told that you can purchase nice white flags at any French Winery, French dressing outlet, or French house of ill-repute for about two francs (43 cents U.S.)

General De Cortez was asked what he plans to do once his army reaches Paris. De Cortez who took conversational English in the second grade replied, "Win we git to dee French capitalized city of Paris Hilton I wheel tell to dee mayor of the town that I wheel not burn down dee city to the ground if I am allowed to take dee Eiffel Tower back to Caracas (Venezuela).

SIDENOTE: When French President Nicolas Sarkozy, 54, was told what General De Cortez had said about taking the Eiffel Tower back to Venezuela in exchange for not buring Paris to the ground, he grinned, took a sip from his glass of white Bordeaux Savigon '73 and replied in a tremendously heavy French accent, "Ey, eat sounds like a wie-NER (winner) to me."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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