GUADALAJARA, Mexico - The Mexican city of Guadalajara which is located southwest of the cities of Guanajuato and Aguascalientes played host to the most famous person in the world, no not Sacha Baron Cohen, nor Tiger Woods, nor even Miley Cyrus.
The person that Guadalajara anxiously waited for was none other than the 'Main Man' himself, President of the United States of America Barack Hussein Obama. The man that Bill Clinton proudly calls 'My Bro.'
President Obama was down in sunny, old, cartel-infested Mexico meeting with the prime minister of Canada Stephen Harper and the president of Mexico Felipe Calderon aka Nacho Winslow.
The three leaders were staying at Guadalajara's highly prestigious El Highly Prestigious Hotel. Their meeting took place in the old abandoned Relampagos Con Madre Maraca Factory.
The agenda called for the three men to discuss four main topics:
1. NAFTA and what the second A really stands for.
2. The Swine Flu Epidemic aka H1N1 which started down in the vicinity of the Mexican volcano El Popocatepetl (The Petey).
3. The unbelievably high price of tequila.
4. The Mexican Drug Cartels and the ongoing violence that makes Al Capone's 1920s Chicago seem like Disneyland.
Other secondary topical topics scheduled on the agenda include:
1. The Canadian Mallard Ducks for Mexican Burros Trade Agreement.
2. The Republic of Mexico's request to be allowed to purchase all of the Taco Bells in the United States.
3. The possibility of moving the NBA's Chicago Bulls to Toluca and renaming them the Toluca Toros.
4. The Canadian Mounties and Mexican Matadors Exchange Program.
5. The U.S. - Mexico investigation as to why in the world ex-President Horge (George) Bush was allowed to waste American taxpayers's money totaling $89 billion on a stupid useless fence that any six-year-old illegal alien can either climb over or dig under with very little effort.
6. The desperate request of the United States wanting to extradite GOP troublemakers Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Glenn Beck to the sparsely uninhabited Yucatan Peninsula (Mexico's answer to Russia's Siberia) in exchange for the U.S. paying Mexico a one-time fee of $3 billion.
7. Removing Mexico's strict 'Spanish Only' policy in the Mexican shopping malls frequented by American tourists.
8. The hunting down, capturing, and destroying of the dreaded Chupacabra. President Obama was asked by President Calderon if perhaps Senora Sarah Palin would agree to take this project since she seems to be one of the best hunters in America. He said he would text her and ask her.
President Obama who speaks fluent Spanish told the assembled media that he loves visiting Mexico. He did add that he learned his lesson from the last time. And that this time he had Michelle pack him a case of good old American bottled water.
The President said, "The last time I came down here, I got my sweet little Illinois kazoo (ass) kicked by that vato (guy) that the locals call 'Montezuma's Revenge.'"
The president made a lot of points when he told the Mexican people that he had flown down to their country on board Air Force One, which he had temporarily renamed Air Force Uno for the Mexican trip.
He also told the assembled crowd estimated to number about 1.2 million that he wants them to feel like he is just like them except of course for the fact that he is half black, tall, has ties to Kenya, and can make about 91 percent of his free throws.
President Obama mentioned that he heard that a lot of the citizens of Mexico call him Senor Washington. He said that he was honored that they referred to him with the D.C. reference.
He was told by a local shoeshine boy that they did not call him Senor Washington after Washington D.C. but that they called him Senor Washington after Denzel Washington.
President Obama laughed and joked that the Denzel reference was okay with him. He then grinned and said that it's a lot better than being referred to as Jeremiah, after you-know-who.
He then confessed that just in a little over six months that he has been in office he has already been tagged with more nicknames than a mafia informant in the witness protection program.
Someone asked him what his favorite Mexican food was. He said that he loves all Mexican food, but that his special favorites are tacos, tamales, tortillas, and teri-yaki.
When told that teri-yaki is not Mexican he replied that he knew that and that he was just joking with them to see if they were paying attention.
One of the locals asked him if it was hot enough for him.
He replied that yes it was. He then said that he had heard that Paris Hilton was in town last month and that she was asked what she thought about Mexico and Miss Hilton replied that it was "Hot."
Obama laughed and said "And my fine, little Mexican citizens let me just say that fundamentally the long-legged blonde socialite was not talking about the serrano, jalapeno, or habanero peppers. She was also not talking about the deliciously lovely Salma Hayek.
Paris Hilton aka 'The Barbie Doll but with a brain' (hmmm), was talking about what TV weatherman Al Roker refers to as Mexico's friggin-ass, hot as hell-in-the-summer weather.
Only yesterday, the Weather Channel was reporting that the temperatures in Guadalajara had hit 109 in the shade. It was so hot that a burro was drinking his own sweat.
And a little bit farther down the street from him, police had been called to the local city swimming pool because there was a report that the swimmers had drunk up all of the pool water.
Meanwhile over at Guadalajara's Speedy Gonzales Bullring, the bullfights were postponed because it was so hot the bulls would not come out of their bull cages into the arena.
One of the featured bullfighters Nuevo Laredo's Momento Pico De Gallo said that he had never been more embarrassed as he was when the damn toros (bulls) refused to come out to fight.
He said that several bullring workers tried everything from kicking the bulls in the balls to hitting them on their heads with maracas. One bullring employee even hit one of the bulls with a pinata stick on his toro wien*r but nada (nothing) doing.
Finally in a fit of desperation, the bullring assistant manager Honchito Mostasa (Mustard) called on of the bullring security guards and told him to shoot one of the bulls with his Glock 9 pistola (pistol).
The security guard said "Si!" (yes!) and he quickly shot one of the bulls; a brown one named Senor Bull Feathers. He shot him in the bull-sheet, which is the part of the bull that is located between the bull's navel and his bull chin.
Well that did not faze the other bulls one damn bit. It did of course make a definite impression on Senor Bull Feathers. He was soon put on a fighting bull cart and carted back to the inner fighting bull corral.
And since he was now considered to be a defective fighting bull due to the four Glock 9 bullets that were now inside his ass (a figure of speech since the bull bullets were actually in his throat region) he could now no longer participate in the bullfight.
Meanwhile back at the hotel the "Tres Amigos" (three friends) were having their summit and everything was going well. The three amigos had agreed to partake in a 'Cerveza Summit' (Beer Summit).
President Obama had a glass of Bud Light. Prime Minister Harper had a glass of Coors Light, and President Calderon had a glass of Jose Cuervo Tequila Light with a dash of salt and a slice of lime along with an order of fajita nachos, chips con queso, and two diet tamales.
Afterwards the most famous Mariachi band in Mexico Los Hombres Malos Que Matan Toros En Domingo (The Mean Men Who Kill Bulls On Sunday Band) played for the three honored quests and their wives.
President Obama and his wife, the "First Mama" got out on the dance floor and they danced like they were on Dancing with The Stars.
The Obama's danced to every song, The Mexican Hat Dance, The Tijuana Three-Step Tango, The Chihuahua Cha Cha Cha, The Mexican Jumping Bean Ballad, The Montezuma's Revenge Paso Doble, The Mexican Standoff Samba, The Macarena, and the Hokey Pokey (which Mrs. Obama personally requested).
After a few pitchers of Avocado Margaritas the Obamas, the Harpers, and the Calderons all retired for the evening.
SIDENOTE: There is no truth to the Fox Network rumor that President Obama and Michelle bought a baby fighting bull for Malia and Sasha. The baby bull named 'Knuckleball' was actually a gift from Los Angeles Dodger legendary pitcher Fernando Valenzuela to the Obama family.