SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A transgendered prostitute from San Francisco traveled to Florida and seduced a spoof writer Saturday, later administering a nasty paper cut to his right rear cheek, a law enforcement source said.
Mistress Caramel, 53, traveled to the Sunshine State in a hot pink helicopter, believed to be operated by The San Francisco Onion, to inflict the painful wound with a page from a recent environmental study, said authorities.
BuckwheatsButt is believed to have been singled out for the attack because he is a complete jackass.
Florida State Police said officials at The Spoof were working closely, but not too closely, with state authorities to identify the victim's hairy arse.
"Oh, it was mine, alright," said Florida's dark cloud over San Franciscan skies, wincing as he gingerly nursed the 5-inch gash. "Ahhhh!! That hurts like a motherf**ker!!"
Buck said Mistress Caramel had apparently waited for him to take a break; she was there when he stepped out for some Twink-Ease, Ding-Dongs and BlowPops.
Buck indicated he had some Florida orange juice in his fridge, so he invited the handsome woman in for some "fuzzy navels."
He said things took a turn for the worse when she later demanded that he roll over.
"I heard something," said the bellicose bullshit artist. "It sounded like she was getting out a sheet of paper or something, so I'm thinking, Man, it's about to get freaky up in here!
"Oww!!" he said, making a long, inhaled "th" sound as he shifted in his seat. "Hang on just a second. I've really got to go put on some pants that aren't soaked in orange juice."
A page from the U.S. Geological Survey's report on glacial melting was found near the site of the attack, said authorities, with traces of blood on one edge and a hint of smelly arse.
Witnesses also verified seeing a hot pink helicopter fleeing the scene shortly before police arrived, leaving many wondering if the San Francisco Onion may have been responsible for the attack.
"It couldn't have been me," said the SFO, whistling a little as he casually maneuvered an empty spray paint can under a workbench with his foot.
"My helicopter is baby blue... See?"