WELLPORT, Wy. -- Stumping for the '04 campaign, Vice President Dick Cheney quashed all rumors concerning his being dropped from the Republican ticket with one line.
Cheney said, "Even if I die, I will be on the ticket."
The statement led to further questions, all asked at the White House and at Bush-Cheney headquarters. Niles Stallbrick, one of the Bush campaign sidemen, said, "It's true. There is a pact between the President and Vice President. Even if Mr. Cheney dies, he will be the nominee for Vice President, along with a living member of the human race yet to be named."
A dead man is yet to serve with a living President, if one doesn't count Spiro Agnew, who many feel was Vice President while brain-dead or at least so brain-numb that his physical presence never mattered.
Dan Quayle was also considered a "non entity," but neither of those two ever got to become President.
"Still," Presidential historian-to-be Marker Blushfoil said, "it is unprecedented for a dead man's name to be with a live man's name as a candidate for Vice President.
"The Cheney-Bush relationship has broken all molds anyway. For all we know the two are bath buddies. I don't mean gay, I mean two normal guys who like to take baths with one another. It is not documented but firmly believed that Mondale and Carter were bath buddies and that helped make Mondale's role more serious."
Cheney told reporters that there is no sign of his death, however, so people should stop saying things about it. "It makes me sad to think people want me dead or that anyone seems to know something about my death that I don't," Cheney said. "After all, this is a matter of life and death and I don't take it lightly."
Cheney's heart condition is public knowledge and many people seem to think that he is unfit to be President should that situation present itself.
"It probably won't anyway," Cheney said about the possibility he could become President because of a mishap in the life of George W. Bush. "That guy is healthy, although he eats way too much red meat. I have warned him. At least he doesn't smoke. I was up to five packs a day once."