ST. PETERSBURG, Florida - Deckler Pastpacker's latest column in The St. Petersburg Daily Sunshine is titled "Is August Open Season On Men's Genitals Month Or What?
Pastpacker writes that last month a woman in New York City, Shavontay Lowcell Bonkwater, poured boiling water on her husband's genitals as he slept.
Then earlier this week Drizzalina Skankowitz, a Wisconsin woman, or rather witch, and three of her husband's lovers lured him to a motel and then glued his penis (dick) to his stomach (tummy).
And now, news out of Greece tells us that a Greek woman named Konstantina Dionysus was at a lesbian bar and she poured a drink in a man's lap and then lit his lap with a lighter burning his testicles (balls) and his dick (penis).
Pastpacker says that he himself has been a victim of this type of vicious attack on two different occasions. He added that he has since read a lot of books on the subject.
He stated that the scientific name for this animalistic crazed behavior is Peckerpitus, commonly known in the civilized world as 'Wiener Rage.'
He said that what is happening is that more and more women are finding out that they are not as intelligent as their husbands and/or boyfriends.
And so as a result they feel somewhat genderly inferior. Therefore in order for these females to even out the playing field they resort to kicking the opposing player (husband and/or boyfriend) below the belt, figuratively speaking of course.
Dr. Hans Wigglewood of Ball State University located in Muncie, Indiana, is one of the world's leading doctors in the area of 'female anger and/or rage directed towards male groins.'
The doctor states vehemently that women who perform these types of savage acts are acting out a suppressed desire to actually want to a possess a crotch cobra (pecker) of their own.
In other words, these bulldykish women, (for want of a better more realistic term) are acting out their inadequacies of not having a tallywagger (meat puppet) of their very own.
They instinctively and uncontrollably proceed to act out a type of sick scavenger hunt where one of the listed items is sadly, you guessed it, the silent flute (big boy).
Dr. Wigglewood wrote about this unique phenomenon in two of his books, 1999's Dispelling Commonly-Held Beliefs From Crumpet Trumpets To Zipperfish, and his best seller from 2006, The One-Eyed Kilt Snakes of Scotland, which an unconfirmed source says is Elton John's all-time favorite book.
Wigglewood said that as long as women are allowed to get away with these early-European sadistic types of rituals, men in New York City, Wisconsin, and all over the world will have to constantly be on a vigilant lookout for an unsuspecting sudden crazed crotch attack.
The doctor stated that he read in the widely-read French publication Le Penis Erectus Illustrated, that half of the men in Denmark have purchased baseball protector cup-like crotch cups which they wear 24/7.
The company that puts out these crotch cups is Denmark's My Cup Runneth Over. The corporation's director of research and marketing, Horsens Ringkeding stated that they presently have a two month back order on their highly-popular product known as the Wonder Cup.
Sales of these Wonder Cups, which come in six different sizes as well as 17 different designer colors have shot up through the roof (no pun intended, implied, or otherwise stressed).
Reports coming out of America's Left Coast are that the prestigious Beverly Hills sex-toy store Dillywhackers 'R' Us completely sold out of their last shipment within three minutes.
A saleslady, who requested to remain anonymous, said that Jon and Kate Plus 8 star Jon Gosselin personally purchased three of the Wonder Cups.
SIDENOTE: Dr. Wigglewood stated that these Wonder Cups may also be purchased online by going to tunatrawler.nut or wonderweasel.dic.