Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 9 August 2009

image for Paula Abdul Applies For Unemployment Benefits
Paula Abdul standing in line at the Los Angeles County Unemployment Office.

BEVERLY HILLS - Paula Abdul who was fired from the television reality show American Idol has reportedly applied for unemployment benefits including, money, dental care, health care, powdered eggs, and cheese.

A clerk for the Los Angeles County Unemployment Agency, Diane Gigglefree told Ms. Abdul that she would first have to fill out an initial unemployment benefits form before she could receive any form of financial compensation.

Miss Abdul quickly informed her that she did not do forms. She added that she is a star and an American Idol judge and as a result she will expect to receive special preferential treatment and receive it in a timely manner.

When Miss Gigglefree informed Ms. Abdul that she was no longer going to be appearing on American Idol she became very irate. She began hollering and saying that she is tired of people listening to Simon Cowell and his vicious lies about her.

She said that Cowell is mad at her because she went out with him once and that he only got to third base and that, that was barely. He asked her out a second time and she turned him down.

Miss Abdul said that she does not like the fact that all Simon ever wears are those stupid black T-Shirts. Paula smiled and then confessed that Simon even wears black boxers.

The clerk thanked her for all of that wonderful information and then she told her that she did not watch American Idol because it came on at the exact same time as Dancing With The Stars and she loved DWTS host Tom Bergeron.

She told Ms. Abdul that if she had the balls to turn down an offer of $10 million to basically sit at a table and say stuff like "Touchdown!" "You sing so nice," and "Gosh, you do have pretty teeth, any cavities?" then she does not need to be applying for unemployment benefits.

Paula yelled out that she was unemployed and that she wanted to talk to her boss. Gigglefree asked her why and if she was going to be judging him on his singing ability.

She then told Paula that she was nothing but a washed up has-been who people would now look upon as just one of the hundreds of ex-Laker girls.

Just then the office manager Farmington Pennington walked over and asked the clerk what was going on.

The clerk replied that Ms. Abdul was being very difficult and that she was wanting to apply for unemployment benefits.

Pennington asked Abdul if she was in fact unemployed. And she replied that she was. She walked over to where he was standing and she whispered in his ear.

"Miss Gigglefree." Pennington said sternly. "You will process Ms. Abdul's unemployment benefits form immediately and you will also apologize to his lovely woman right now."

"But."

"No buts. Now apologize or I will be have no other recourse than to terminate you."

Miss Gigglefree apologized and Ms. Abdul thanked Mr. Pennington and left the building.

SIDENOTE: A reliable unnamed source said that Abdul whispered in Mr. Pennington's ear that she wanted to invite him over to her house for a nice, quite candlelit dinner and that afterwards they could sit out on her deck and he could count the freckles on her thighs.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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