NEW YORK - The Association of Psychological Americans (APA) told its members at a Toronto conference Wednesday that mental health professionals should stop telling gay clients they can become straight through psychotherapy or other treatments.
The APA's governing board instructed its membership to "consider multiple options ranging from celibacy, tar and feathering, aversion therapy, or simple blackmail, to force homos back into the closet-for their own good, of course."
The APA has never accepted reparative therapy as a viable option for treating queers, the report said, and now, a special a six-member task force who compiled 83 studies on sexual orientation change over the past 49-years has proved their hypothesis.
"Homofagguality is a medical--and sociological--disorder that cannot be cured by psycho-babble," said the Clinical Director for the Makthem Luk-Straight Institute in Bumfuck, Iowa. "Our failure rate is in excess of 100%, and this makes us look impotent," said the psychiatrist.
Clinical Dichotomist Mel Brooks told the membership, "We gotta protect our phony-bologna jobs! Reparative therapy is a misnomer, a lose-lose proposition. The only way to make fags 'straight' again is to scare them straight back into their closets."
Reparative therapy is the illegitimate child of the Religious Right the report claims. "Gays and lesbians fill those backwoods congregations, but are unwelcome," said the Right Reverend John J. Fistme, an Anglican Bishop. "This ground breaking report offers a 'detailed and nuanced assessment' of how therapists should deal with gay clients struggling to remain loyal to a religious faith that disapproves of fops," he said.
The task force chairperson said "I hope this document will help calm the polarized debate between religious conservatives who believe in the possibility of changing sexual orientation and the many mental health professionals who reject that option."
"Is that a realistic expectation," I asked the APA leadership.
"Probably not, the religious right is wrong," Dr. Paul answered, then said, "Those people are queerer than a three-dollar bill!"